AITAH for 'outing' my wife's asexuality after she just let her friends gang up on me?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Coffee_Soup]

There was an easy solution to this she could have taken forever ago. Don't talk about your sex life. Make it clear that as your partner that she doesn't feel comfortable talking about what you both do in the bedroom. That keeps her desire to hide her sexuality intact while also not screwing you over with lies.

NTA, she just threw you under the bus in every way to keep face with her friends instead of doing the small things to keep things she wanted private private.

[u/browneyedgirlpie → u/Coffee_Soup]

Lying to present a different impression to 'close friends' is a really big red flag for a grown adult. She has other issues she needs to work on. At any point, she could have been discreet but honest with them. She set this up, she was generously offered several chances to handle her mistake, and she choose not to, and to allow them to falsely accuse you.

It's not as if her only options were to say nothing or blurt out that she's ace. She controlled all of the information sharing, until you were accosted. She's the architect, and somehow you are the bad guy for not just taking a beating she lined up.

Her being fine with lying and you paying the price, is more of a concern for your relationship than your sexual incompatibility imo. How are these people more significant to her than you are, if she can't even be honest about herself with them? It's disrespectful that she would throw your relationship to the wolves to try and justify not having sex.

I don't think she's being honest with anyone, including herself. The shit don't add up.

[u/the_greengrace → u/browneyedgirlpie]

Exactly this. There's an iceberg here. More beneath the surface.

[u/Sayyad1na → u/browneyedgirlpie]

YES. I came here to say that. I was hard-core cringing throughout this whole post. What grown woman acts like this? Eugh. I just feel so gross when I put myself in OPs shoes... if I was OP I would be absolutely disgusted by my wife's immature and unnecessary actions. And THEN ON TOP OF ALL OF IT she is trying to say what he did was worse!? Omg. For me, this is something I could not come back from. It honestly seems like she doesn't even LIKE, let alone love, OP. Poor guy :/

[u/ktreddit → u/Sayyad1na]

Yeah, if anyone in this story is older than 24, I just don’t get it. Don’t know how this marriage is gonna work, don’t know why you’d ever want to hang out with these friends. Good luck.

[u/Stealthy-J → u/browneyedgirlpie]

Good point, I didn't even think about that. Not only did she not save him, she's the one that set him up in front of the firing squad. She got them all tee'd up and left him to deal with it.

[u/Baptor → u/browneyedgirlpie]

Her being fine with lying and you paying the price, is more of a concern for your relationship than your sexual incompatibility imo. How are these people more significant to her than you are, if she can't even be honest about herself with them?

THIS. RIGHT. HERE.

The lying is way more telling than the lack of sex. Women go through lots of hormone changes, especially after children, that can impact sex drive. There are also medical conditions that can take a woman from 100 to 0 at no fault of their own. However her lying to her friends that she has a torrid sex life, lamenting that "no one" has gone down on her, and that your marriage is "rocky" is very concerning.

I won't go as far as others to say that she is definitely just ace with you and not with others - I don't know that, but something isn't right here. She's got a vivid sexual imagination, something aces normally don't have. She lamented that "no one" (not you, but no one) has gone down on her, possibly indicating she does want "some one" to do it.

But the last lie is the worst sign. She felt better telling her friends that your marriage is in trouble than telling them she's ace. That is...not good, no matter how you slice it. Either it's not rocky but she cares more about her personal image than your image as a couple (which means it IS rocky) - or she really does think it's rocky and that was her being honest with them.

Bottom line, things aren't fine in your marriage, and you need to open your eyes to the fact something is very wrong. If you want to save it, and I hope you do, then you need to have a very difficult conversation with her. Open the conversation up and then let her talk - don't interrupt - and really listen to what she says. Make it clear this isn't about lack of sex but more about why she was OK with lying so much about your marriage and why she would be OK with telling others your marriage was "rocky."

It may be too late for this, and you might have to do couple's therapy instead - but don't just "let it go" and not address it. You will hate yourself later on if you do.

I want to say one last time: this isn't about sex. Plenty of married couples aren't having much or maybe even any sex. This is more than that.

[u/browneyedgirlpie → u/Baptor]

But the last lie is the worst sign. She felt better telling her friends that your marriage is in trouble than telling them she's ace.<

Yes! Except those weren't her only choices either. She could have said their sex life was good, if she didn't want to disclose more about her sexuality with her friends.

She decided to tell her friends that her sex life wasn't ok and completely fabricated a story that cast her as the victim.

I agree that this isn't about sex. Lies around sex are an easy diversion from the truth. The emotional response from others to an unsatisfactory sex life helps liars cloud reality (look at the focus of some of the comments here). She very quickly included others in her deception. We don't know if she's ace or not, but we do know that her actions don't match her words.

Sometimes manipulative spouses use couples therapy to further muddy deceitful waters. Keep this in mind....you can't force her AND you can't love her enough, to make her be honest with you. She's the only one who can control that.

[u/eurotrash4eva → u/[deleted]]

I also feel like if the label fits, you don't want to hide it. Because it provides some useful explanatory framing that somehow helps you navigate the world.

[u/kaldaka16 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly this friends circle grosses me the hell out. I'm a married woman with a healthy sex life. I have like... two people I'll sometimes discuss general aspects of my sex life with because they're both very open minded people and sometimes it is nice to have an outside sounding board if you're exploring new things!

My close friends group shares dirty jokes and memes plenty but like - actually discussing details of our personal sex lives? Right out. I would feel so fucking uncomfortable in such a conversation and anyone who pressured me to share details would no longer be a close friend, if a friend at all.

[u/No_Hurry_7339 → u/browneyedgirlpie]

This right here. This is the reason they should go back to therapy or he should leave. No one should put up with this.

[u/Any_Eye1110 → u/browneyedgirlpie]

This, OP. This should be the topic of therapy.

[u/R_U_N4me → u/browneyedgirlpie]

She definitely showed her flag sitting there & lying with her husband in the room. Too bad OP can’t see them. He doesn’t think she baited & switched on him but it does seem like that is what she did. Presented herself as what she felt he wanted & once married, then she becomes what she truly is.

I got $100 on her losing her asexuality when she decides she wants to be a mom & it miraculously comes back as soon as she is pregnant.

OP NTA but you do not owe your wife an apology. She started it & you defended yourself. They are her friends. Of she can’t be honest with them, than don’t discuss it with them but surely you don’t lie about your husband in the same room as you. There is nothing for you to apologize for bit she owes you one for the disrespect she showed you.

[u/amswain1992 → u/Coffee_Soup]

I get that everybody has different levels of comfort and different forms of friendship, but this has always been a pretty hard line for me. I don't talk about what I get down to in the bedroom and my wife doesn't, either. It's nobody's business but our own since we are monogamous. If it comes up in conversation around the few friends who might talk about that type of stuff, all I say is that I'm happy with our sex life, because that's the truth and the extent of what I feel comfortable sharing.

[u/aussie_nub → u/amswain1992]

It's hilarious to me that wifey didn't realise this and just shut the fuck up. Not only that, but she knew she was lying heaps but it never occurred to her that her friends might be doing the same and if they continually bag on their husbands that eventually it'll bite them in the ass.

I don't really understand why anyone bothers opening their mouth with this information, ever. You're pretty much guaranteed to walk into a trap at some point.

[u/T33CH33R → u/aussie_nub]

It was more important to her to save face in front of friends than to embarrass her husband. That's selfish especially when the most important person in her life should be her spouse.

[u/clce → u/T33CH33R]

So true, especially considering she wasn't really losing face anyway if she'd just kept her mouth shut.

[u/[deleted] → u/T33CH33R]

It was more important to her to save face in front of friends than to embarrass her husband. That's selfish especially when the most important person in her life should be her spouse.

This. She threw her husband under the bus to save face in front of her friends. When he tried to drop hints to bail him out, she refused, again, to save herself. She painted him into a corner.

"She's embarrassed about her asexuality" because she isn't really asexual, she just doesn't want to have sex with her husband. "We both had incredibly high sex drives in the beginning. . . my wife makes up all these wild stories and things we do - not even have done in the past. Just flat out lies". She enjoyed sex with him once upon a time, and now does not. She has a fantasy life, she makes up stories of things she would like to do but has not done. He might be in them as she tells the stories, but I guarantee he isn't in them in her head. That isn't asexual, that isn't someone who doesn't have a sex drive. That is someone who is living with someone they don't want to have sex with. She talked about not being gone down on in a long time because she wanted someone to go down on her. She just doesn't want her husband to be the one to do it and didn't care if he became a punching bag over it.

[u/thebookflirt → u/[deleted]]

Well, that’s not how asexuality works though. Just like a person can fantasize about a fetish or desire they’d never want to act on in real life. Ace folks can have fantasies and sexual interests. To be ace isn’t just one thing — it’s a spectrum with lots of different expressions. So a person can be ace, have sexual fantasies that they enjoy, AND not want to actually have literal sex with another person and that’s totally valid.

That said, OP’s wife is an absolute turd of a partner and I’m sorry he’s treated the way he is.

[u/Pm_me_all_your_pets → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. If someone asked about my sex life with my girlfriend, and it were in a situation where I couldn't realistically tell them to fuck off for whatever reason, I'd just make up some innocuous lie about "nothing to complain about," and not point out that sex just isn't a thing for us. Not "Oh yeah we do the wildest kinkiest shit you can imagine."

[u/neurocog81 → u/aussie_nub]

I don’t get why it is acceptable to bag on your husband like they have no emotions of their own.

[u/Malificvipermobile → u/neurocog81]

Early on my wife had a tendency to speak over me and answer for me so during a family holiday when she did it I sat on her lap and acted like a puppet.

[u/planetarylaw → u/Malificvipermobile]

I'm fucking dead. I kinda maybe used to do something like this. My husband and I went to counseling together and the first session I did it and the therapist was like "shh it's his turn to speak". I was just like "oh" and then shut the hell up lol. Tbh it felt embarrassing but even more embarrassing than that was the self reflection afterwards that made me realize I do that a lot and that made me really rude and shitty. So I stopped. Therapists, man.

[u/Malificvipermobile → u/planetarylaw]

It's amazing what a little communication can do. I had kind of mentioned it offhand but my family loves to troll and pick at each other so the stars aligned. Since everyone else was more laughing at me than her it didn't embarrass her and she's been 10000x better since. To be fair we only knew each other for 3 weeks before being engaged and were apart for 6 months before we were married so we didn't have a lot of time to get used to each other.

I think it stems from being a younger kid and not having a voice, so when you finally get one you use it to the detriment of your SO.

[u/Qaz_ → u/Malificvipermobile]

only knew each other for 3 weeks before being engaged and were apart for 6 months before we were married

huh? what led to that sort of situation?

[u/bennybellum → u/Malificvipermobile]

Lol I'm sooo doing this to my wife. Thanks for the idea haha.

[u/Malificvipermobile → u/bennybellum]

I guess I could sit in her lap too but you need to cover travel expenses.

[u/TribudellaLuna → u/neurocog81]

Hypocrisy dude. Plain and simple.

[u/Used_Anywhere379 → u/amswain1992]

My husband and I only talk about our sex life with each other. Why would you say anything about that to a friend?

[u/Carla_mra → u/amswain1992]

Right? I feel like is nobody's business to know that sort of things, it feels intrusive. The wife is this to her self

[u/lurker-1969 → u/amswain1992]

Absolutely right. Ain't nobody's business. As a guy the most deplorable thing I see with other men is talking about the sex they have with their partners. Now, a private one on one with a friend who has concerns and wants to talk is one thing. Loud mouthing about sex is another. James Bond would never do such a thing.

[u/porkchop1021 → u/amswain1992]

None of my exes have ever talked in depth about their sex lives to anyone, in 20+ years of dating. I've only ever met one dude that ever has and it just came off as weird like he wanted us to know all the sex he was having and worship him for it.

I truly don't understand what world these people are living in where this is a consistent topic of conversation. I've lived all across the US, dated all types of races, ages, economic backgrounds, even dabbled a bit in poly. Not a soul would tolerate hours of sex talk like OP's story. Shit is wild.

[u/HufflepuffHobbits → u/amswain1992]

Same…I don’t know why people get so personal. To each their own, but nobody should feel pressured into sharing. Sounds like OP’s wife needs to work on realizing she doesn’t owe anyone any details. And work on being more empathetic and kind to OP, as it sounds like he is to her.

[u/Sylentskye → u/amswain1992]

I can’t wrap my brain around wanting to participate in conversations about sex with people one isn’t comfortable about revealing their sexuality to. Talk about it, don’t talk about it; just don’t throw other people under the bus to fit in.

[u/ComprehensiveOwl4807 → u/Coffee_Soup]

I haven't been talking to my friends about me and my wife's sex life for years.

I'm just a little private that way.

[u/twilight_songs → u/ComprehensiveOwl4807]

I'm the same and totally agree.

NTA.

[u/uninhibitedmonkey → u/ComprehensiveOwl4807]

I feel like people only ever talk about casual sex like this. Or in teens / 20s when it’s all new.

Married people don’t speak about their marital sex at a party with a group of friends like this. It’s weird.

[u/greenwoodgiant → u/Coffee_Soup]

Or at the very least, fuckin keep lying. She's already making up stories that didn't happen, according to OP, there's no reason to suddenly tell the truth with no other context.

[u/RGPotts → u/Coffee_Soup]

And honestly, if she wants to make up stories to impress her friends and stay closeted with them- she could have made up a story that cast her spouse in a positive light, not a negative one.

There was just no reason to throw him under the bus!??

[u/RGPotts → u/RGPotts]

Also… she needs a new circle of close friends if she can’t come out to them.

[u/InfectedAlloy88 → u/Coffee_Soup]

Seriously. I've never been interested in discussing my sex life with anyone but my partner. Not in my whole life. I think it's inherently inappropriate to discuss with others because it's private information. Discussing it should be consented to by everyone that's involved. I don't ask about anyone's sex life either for the same reasons.

[u/imSOsalty → u/Coffee_Soup]

Seriously. I’ve had the same best friend for 20 years. She doesn’t like to talk about things like that, I do, so I share (what she’s comfortable with) and she doesn’t share. It’s not that hard.

[u/shakeitup2017 → u/Coffee_Soup]

Is it normal for female friends to discuss the details of their sex lives? This seems like a betrayal of trust to me. For all the shit that guys cop, in my experience it is extremely rare for us to discuss our sex lives or intimate details about our SO with anyone other than our SO. I find that very disrespectful.

[u/[deleted] → u/shakeitup2017]

Yup, one group of girls I know could probably make an anatomically correct model of my dick after the things an ex told them. It is gross, and I was grossed out when I found out.

[u/daggerbeans → u/shakeitup2017]

I am asexual and you would not believe how many conversations in my twenties with (mostly cis, heterosexual) women ended up being about sex or their hook ups and the details therein. I mostly agree with you, it's none of their concern, really.

It was fine to tune out for the most part but the most annoying/uncomfortable part was when it became 'my turn' to divulge something after havong signaled my disinterest at every turn (checking my phone, visibly turning my attention elsewhere, literally walking away from the conversation with no 'excuse me a second'.) A few times I even got the 'you will find someone who does it for you' or the 'oh you just have never had a real orgasm' assumption which mostly just pissed me off.

The queer circles I ran in were much more respectful of boundaries and backing off a topic when someone was clearly not engaging with the subject matter.

[u/[deleted] → u/shakeitup2017]

I am a woman and I have never done this and didn’t have respect for the chicks who did. As a matter of fact went low to no contact with women who tried that with me.

I have found that men and women that behaved this way were messy and always caught up in some garbage.

If one of my so called friends offered my husband sex she wouldn’t do it again because I would tell her to fuck all the way off.

[u/FullOfFalafel → u/Coffee_Soup]

What sex life? They don't have one.

[u/SaltyDangerHands]

NTA

She was willing to let you take the hit that she wasn't, not because it was "less", but just "less her problem".

She outright lies to her friends to look good, but when it's you, oh, well, better only to tell a half truth.

I wouldn't be remotely remorseful, she's way out of line.

[u/CharacterGeneral6296 → u/SaltyDangerHands]

That's the most fucked up part, she wasn't caught off guard by the conversation going to oral....the conversation was already on personal sex lives, she was already lying for her own sake then suddenly we can't continue the lie and talk OP up? ... unforgivable

[u/Fine_Increase_7999 → u/CharacterGeneral6296]

Right…she CHOSE to throw her husband under the buss fully with no remorse.

[u/VictarionGreyjoy → u/Fine_Increase_7999]

She could have lied to make him look good by saying he gives her earth shattering orgasms on the regs, but she chose to make him look small. Totally on her.

[u/[deleted] → u/VictarionGreyjoy]

That's really what gets me, if you're making things up anyway, why don't you just empower your partner?

[u/WhiningforWine → u/[deleted]]

Exactly

[u/rockrnger → u/[deleted]]

Because she was bashing on the guy outside of the group to make the in group like her more.

[u/Vandall_the_Villain → u/rockrnger]

B-b-b-biiiiiinnnnngggggoooo

[u/Scooter_Gang_480 → u/Vandall_the_Villain]

I love breaking that saying out. Nice work!

[u/throwaway4161412 → u/rockrnger]

And I'm sure it ain't her first rodeo

[u/hunnyflash → u/[deleted]]

Because she's a selfish asshole.

Always both impressed and sad for people who stay in a relationship just because of love. Yes, I fully realize how important it is, but sometimes love really isn't enough to have a fulfilling, romantic relationship.

If you don't care about having a sexually intimate relationship, fine, but your choice. There are lots of different intimacies, but sex shouldn't be low priority just because it's sex. It's still something important.

[u/BalderVerdandi → u/Fine_Increase_7999]

^ This right here.

It's no longer about her being asexual.

I hate saying it but if this guy's wife can do this to him, there is no love or respect coming from her towards him and that's a huge problem.

Honestly it sounds like she's already checked out on the relationship and she's using her "asexuality" as the excuse.

[u/Son0faButch → u/CharacterGeneral6296]

She could have easily said her husband loves to give her oral, but she just doesn't like oral and never has. It would be totally true and not an insult. I've seen tons of women on Reddit say receiving oral does nothing for them.

[u/Maffaxxx → u/Son0faButch]

Or... You know... Shut the fuck up? What kind of mandatory game is comparing everyones sex lives like that so that one has to come up with lies just to keep up with the others? Is it what adults do? Last time was among people making up stuff on sexual activities was in the changing room of my middle school gym after PE

[u/Carolha → u/Son0faButch]

I don't know........being truthful is a strange, new concept for some people.

Agree though

[u/Expensive_Hat_1649 → u/[deleted]]

I believe this 100 %and husband is blind to the truth..

[u/lieyera → u/[deleted]]

Good point. I couldn’t understand her logic but this makes sense.

[u/yolo_swagdaddy → u/CharacterGeneral6296]

Imagine if the roles were reversed? A guy in a sexless marriage bragging in front of all his mates who then start harping on the wife to go down on her husband more.. God the outrage would be thru the roof

[u/Callemasizeezem → u/[deleted]]

My thoughts are the wife's friends are the ones at fault here. Harrass the guy and pry into their sex lives like that? Just fucking vulgar gossip cows. Then to harras him via text afterwards? Absolute cows.

Time for OP and his wife to realise this and mooooove on away from that paddock.

Update: Showed my own wife and she disagrees. She thinks the blame solely lands on OPs wife. She basically said who would do that to their husband AFTER all the shit he has to deal with with their sex life already.

[u/amakusa360 → u/yolo_swagdaddy]

They were harassing him for abstaining from a sex act. This is borderline rape culture.

[u/CrowdyFowl → u/amakusa360]

Tbf it’s rape culture even if it wasn’t intentional from the friends because rape culture is meant to be insidious like that.

[u/Djinn_42 → u/CharacterGeneral6296]

"my wife decides to tell the truth, and say that she "can't remember the last time someone went down on her"

Unforgivable

[u/z1lard → u/SaltyDangerHands]

She didn’t even make herself look good, she lied to her friends to make OP look bad. If she wanted she could have lied that they give each other oral all the time and have no problems in that area.

[u/ian2121 → u/z1lard]

Yeah she could have said he gives her so much oral his tongue is starting to pickle

[u/TheFluffiestRedditor → u/ian2121]

He learned while cleaning egg beaters, good tongue is magical!

Hubby could write a novel with his tongue, it’s so good.

Seriously, not hard to keep the good talk going

[u/Ok-Bill3318 → u/ian2121]

As simple “I get more than I can handle” would be a non shitty way out of it.

[u/bad_robot_monkey → u/SaltyDangerHands]

Perfectly put. NTA—her “friends” but she isn’t willing to admit she is the source of the sexual lull? Then lies about it? Dude…I’m angry on your behalf.

[u/SunRose42 → u/SaltyDangerHands]

Yeah, especially since she could’ve covered her and HIS ass by saying, “Oh, he doesn’t do it because I just don’t like it!!”

[u/Blairx6661 → u/SunRose42]

Seriously. Such a simple throwaway line - and nobody gets hurt! If you’re gonna lie to the group, that’s how you do it… jeez.

[u/saddigitalartist → u/SunRose42]

Yeah and that literally wouldn’t be a lie

[u/CandleWickLegend → u/SaltyDangerHands]

Yep. The wife is being the AH. It's one thing to lie about sex, it's another thing entirely to tear down your partner to save face. Ride or die as a team. She broke a fundamental spouse rule and paid the price. That's how it works.

[u/moth_girl_7 → u/CandleWickLegend]

Yeah. Like if you’re gonna lie about sex, at least make BOTH of you look good! I can empathize for her, an asexual person, feeling pressured to conform to what’s considered “normal” by pretending she enjoys sex. BUT, there were plenty of ways she could have gone about this that didn’t make OP look bad. He even gave her a chance to correct herself, and she didn’t take it.

OP, this is a bigger problem than her feeling like she needs to fit in. For some reason, she had a desire to make you look bad. Whether or not she wanted you to feel bad, I really don’t know. But there’s a reason she intentionally chose to lie and make YOU seem like the averse one.

NTA. And her friends are assholes as well. First of all, talking about sex in depth like that in a group? Really? Seems immature to me. Second of all, ganging up on you like that over something that is NONE of their business? They sound like toxic and exhausting people. Not sure how your wife ended up friends with them.

[u/Pm_me_all_your_pets → u/moth_girl_7]

Yeah I'd be super fucking weirded out if my friends started talking in depth about our sex lives. Like, I don't need to know a thing about theirs', and vice versa.

[u/Roan_Psychometry → u/SaltyDangerHands]

This is one of the only times I would call for an outright divorce. This is out of fucking bounds

[u/Aloreiusdanen]

NTA

She literally said they aren't your friends, so why should you sit there and take a bunch of shit from people who aren't your friends...WTF? In what world do you let strangers talk shit about you and not defend yourself.

Sorry but she's just pissed that you make her look like the AH liar she is. She could have stopped it at anytime, but Chose Not To.

She has no one to blame but herself for the fallout that happened. You are under no obligation to have strangers "not friends" sit there and talk shit about you. And just accept it.

[u/WilNotJr → u/Aloreiusdanen]

Worse. She could have continued to lie and said that OP gave good head regularly but instead she said she couldn't remember the last time, and then passively let the friend group question and berate OP. She's making him look bad to her friends for no reason.

[u/ninaa1 → u/WilNotJr]

that's what gets me. If she's lying about everything, why not make him look amazing?

[u/worldspawn00 → u/[deleted]]

Great point, he gives me what I want whenever I want it, or somesuch, not even a lie like she was telling about everything else.

[u/lolhal → u/Aloreiusdanen]

You are under no obligation to have strangers "not friends" sit there and talk shit about you

Or worse... why would SHE sit there and let strangers shit talk her husband?

[u/hovix2]

Why didn't she just say you were amazing? That would have been the easiest thing to do, and that's what would bother me the most. If you're both going to sit there and lie to everyone, why couldn't you be the hero of the lie instead of the villain? She could have talked up how amazing you are just as easily as she made you look bad. She lost all right to dictate what you said when she made you the bad guy of a story she had full control over.

[u/bbrekke → u/hovix2]

Or even tell the truth? "He gives me all the oral I want!"

[u/stickynote_oracle → u/bbrekke]

This would have been a perfect response, no follow up necessary! Everyone gets nods of approval and no one’s the wiser.

[u/VoldeMormon → u/hovix2]

She's lying already, she still chose a lie that made him look like shit. No thank you.

[u/2ndcupofcoffee → u/hovix2]

Op, this is the real question to ask her.

[u/BigBroTKD]

NTA. It sounds like she had multiple opportunities to chime in and stop her “friends” from ganging up on you or correct what she said to put you in a better light. She could have easily told her friends that she’s actually the one who doesn’t like receiving oral but she put it on OP. She could always opt out of talking about anything regarding sex. And for the part where you “outed” why would she argue about staying there or even you staying at the party after what was obviously an extremely awkward and humiliating conversation for you? You can’t lie, throw someone under the bus, then expect that person to back up your claims as you get torn to shreds. Just the fact that she didn’t try to defend you when you were hanged up on is enough to show that she doesn’t really care about you OP. Move on or some heavy couples therapy. You went into this relationship and marriage given different information and while she has the right to change, grow as a person, and realize things about herself, you have the right to decide if this dynamic is truly going to work for you.

[u/BurstOrange → u/BigBroTKD]

Literally everything, ever turn of the conversation she left it sounding like OP was the problem and OP is selfish and OP is the one who’s not having sex with her, which is somewhat true but wildly misleading. Absolutely disgraceful and cruel. And she claims to love OP?

[u/Azrai113 → u/BurstOrange]

OP is the one who’s not having sex with her, which is somewhat true but wildly misleading.

RIGHT?!? OP is absolutely doing the right thing by not forcing himself on (or trying to coerce) his wife whos sexual behavior has drastically changed during the relationship. He's respecting her in the best possible way and also staying by her side. She's not returning that in any way and us actively allowing OP to be harmed by people she calls Friend.

I hope OP sees that his wife is choosing other people over him consistently. It makes me so sad that he's giving up a huge part of the relationship while his wife can't even give up an honest answer.

Also...why is the wife allowing her friends to send harassing messages to OP? if she was a good wife, or even a good friend to OP, she'd call off her dogs.

[u/thrway1209983 → u/BigBroTKD]

I think the hiding of her being asexual for so long and telling you after marriage is super shitty too. She sounds incredibly selfish.

[u/spidermanelitedeluxe → u/thrway1209983]

My wife did the same..had a triving sex life, and now she just doesnt want to anymore, so I lost all interest. She now complaints to me I never ask for Sex and the. I explain, I dont want too disappointed all the time, she says, no you wont. So next day it try: "headache". Its always the goddamn same. So i let her initiate, and its been 6 months. She will never go to bed with me, even if she has to be up earlier then me. All because she needs an excuse to not have sex..she is not able to break the circle and the marriage i doomed for it. It makes me probably sound like a pig, but it is what it is. I feel neglected, not wanted etc. We completely drift away, and even hardly ever talk anymore. She came clean, 5 years into our marriage, and I am saving up money soo i can pay her out of our house. Do NOT lie about sexuality, or anything. I feel I ruined 6 years of my life, I do not trusty wife anymore, in anything. I still love her, i think, but i feel extremely used in my faith. After our wedding night, our sex life was over, since we tied to knot. Please for everyone their sake, be honest. You'll ruin lives.

[u/trixen2020]

You didn't "out" her asexuality. You corrected her friends' assumptions that you were a shitty husband who wasn't interested in sex and couldn't be bothered to satisfy her. Assumptions that she instigated by not explaining the situation and then doubling down and lying.

You are under no obligation to protect her feelings when she clearly does not give a fuck about yours. I'm honestly unsure why you're with this woman when she's changed the terms of your marriage so thoroughly and clearly has zero qualms about hurting you, but. That's your business.

NTA.

[u/Larcya → u/trixen2020]

She also had more than enough time to shut her friends down and choose not to.

She deserves everything she gets. OP's only mistake was letting it get that far before shutting it the fuck down.

[u/TheSecondEikonOfFire → u/[deleted]]

Yeah my heart broke for OP a bit there, because I totally felt his line about “I want to have sex with someone that actually wants it”. I’m exactly the same way, and honestly I think I’d feel the same in that I’d rather not have sex at all over having sex with someone who’s just doing it because they know I want it. Half the fun of sex is getting your partner’s motor running, and you both fueling each other’s desire. If it’s purely about sexual release, I can take care of that myself

[u/Blargston1947 → u/trixen2020]

right? The timeline for the change seems to be 3-6 months after marriage.

[u/Worstcase_Rider → u/Blargston1947]

It seems awkwardly fast to find out your asexual. This isn't an 19 year old who unfortunately just figured it out after hastily rushing into a marriage...

Makes you wonder if she knew she was asexual and kept it from him.

[u/demonic_sensation → u/Worstcase_Rider]

I think she did.

[u/No_Transition9444 → u/trixen2020]

Exactly NTA. The friends have zero idea about the WHY do not wanting to have sex. They have zero clue she is asexual. She could have chronic UTI Nerve damage Severe hormone imbalance Was sexually assaulted Too busy with life to care Endometriosis and pain with sex Isn’t satisfied by you Embarrassed she’s not turned on by you and easier to say she doesnt want to.

My mind would go to ALL if these before thinking asexual was even an option, If I thought of it at all.

Edit:typo fix. Probably more I’ve missed.

[u/heartbh]

Nta, this is a fuck around and find out situation that has been eating away at you for years. I don’t get why you would stay with someone that makes you feel unwanted sexually.

[u/Pale-Condition1056 → u/heartbh]

My biggest question after reading this. WHY would OP ever stay??? Like I genuinely don’t see how this is any different than if one of them had come out as gay. Obviously they have a lot of love for each other and their memories, but I think a change so big like this is worthy of ending the relationship so they can both find partners that truly fulfill them.

[u/g4m3r1234 → u/Pale-Condition1056]

Some people can live without the marital sex better than others. His love for her outweighed his desire for sex? But after she clearly threw him under the bus and made him look like a not so great husband right in front of him and her friends, he might be rethinking things... that was a really shitty thing to do.

[u/Pale-Condition1056 → u/g4m3r1234]

And some people stay in miserable marriages for years because of convenience. The way he describes their relationship details does not come off as if he is okay with the situation.

He enjoys giving oral. His wife won’t “let him, because they don’t have sex.” Does not sound like he’s happy about the arrangement. He might think their relationship is otherwise great, but this resentment will only keep building. They are not compatible.

[u/g4m3r1234 → u/Pale-Condition1056]

That is true - he was willing to compromise before, at least for a while, but he may not now that this fiasco happened.

[u/Pale-Condition1056 → u/g4m3r1234]

Yeah I agree. I hate the sub, but this sounds like OP will be complaining on r/deadbedroom after a while. For a lot of people, sexual intimacy turns out to be a huge part of relationships and love.

[u/oppressthesystmback → u/Pale-Condition1056]

It’s no different than discovering your partner is gay. The only way they can stay together is if he’s essentially ok with being in a sexless marriage or get his needs met by being polyamorous with her consent. I have friends in this situation and they wound up divorcing because it’s not sustainable if the couple was monogamous.

ETA: my friends said they stayed because they loved the person. One stayed because they promised to support their asexual partners new identity. It became too much for them. Unfortunately loving that person came with too steep of a price to justify continuing the marriage. People will stay because it’s familiar or comfortable or because they might have low self worth. Or they just love the idea of what the relationship was rather than acknowledging what it actually is. It’s really sad for everyone involved

[u/loki2002 → u/Pale-Condition1056]

A relationship is more than sex and OP says themselves that things have been good otherwise.

[u/Independent_Low614 → u/loki2002]

But this story says otherwise. It reads like his wife doesn't even really like him, or at least likes him less than her friends.

[u/CAJ16 → u/Independent_Low614]

I think that’s what gets me, here. Even the reaction that “they aren’t even you’re friends.” Is bullshit.

Uh honey, if they are the group we socialize with, and I'm required to attend, then yes, we had better be friends. I know for sure I’m reading too much into this one story, but he almost tells it like he’s a 3rd wheel to his wife and her crew.

Like, if my wife came to me as asexual, that wouldn’t relieve her of all responsibilities to make me feel valued. Speaking outside of sexual activity here.

[u/scarcewrongdream → u/Independent_Low614]

She has put him in an impossible situation.

[u/UneventfulDrive → u/loki2002]

So I’ve seen comments like this before, where someone tries to highlight some negative or even downright shame another for valuing sex within their relationship, but you need to realize that just because it’s not the most important part that it is a huge part. I forget the name of the comedian, but I remember their joke about this exact thing:

“The bathroom isn’t the most important part of your house and probably isn’t why you bought it, but you’d be pretty upset if someone ripped it out of your home.” (Paraphrasing a bit)

It would be different if he had started a relationship with someone who was openly asexual in the beginning and then decided to bitch about it after establishing a marriage with them, but that is not what happened here.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/loki2002]

good compared to what? good compared to when his life was changed when she stopped wanting to have sex with him? It might be better now, but also much much worse than it was before they got married and worse than if he left and started a new relationship.

The fact that she had this revolation right after they got married is, sus as fuck. She never thought to look into why she didn't enjoy sex but pretended to have a super high sex drive till right after he was 'locked in'.

People also get stuck in abusive relationships then make the best of it. He was just married, stuck in lock down and probably felt like he had to make a go of it and 3 years later he's like this is okay compared to 3 years ago, but that doesn't mean it's good.

[u/Tardis_nerd91 → u/loki2002]

I see people say that every day on the dead bedroom subreddit while also posting extremely regularly about how unhappy they are and that their mental health is suffering. If one person is a very sexual being and the other is at a zero on that scale it never leads to long term happiness. It leads to resentment and the high libdo person literally giving up a huge part of themselves.

[u/Neither_Wealth868 → u/loki2002]

There is more to a relationship than sex but for the vast majority of people, a relationship with a lack of sex is not a healthy/happy one.

[u/Head-like-a-carp → u/Neither_Wealth868]

On occasion you read about some couple that constantly fight that are abusive in every sort of way but seem to have this incredible sex drive for each other. I always think how unhealthy that relationship is. I also think it's unhealthy when partners are way out of sync on sexual intimacy and it never happens. Neither one of those situations is optimal

[u/ThePrincessDiarrhea]

Maybe after some personal therapy you can conclude that this relationship isn’t working.

Besides the obvious mismatch of being polar opposites sexually, she’s not honest not to you, not to her friends, throws you in front of the bus and expects you to just take it, etc.

NTA, but, dude, come on. Stand up for yourself. And honestly consider this dynamic you’re in and where you’re heading.

[u/Radon_Rodan → u/ThePrincessDiarrhea]

I would say he did stand up for himself, but you are spot on, the relationship isn't working. I don't understand why someone who clearly wants the sexual aspects of a relationship would accept being in a committed relationship with someone who likely doesn't want to have sex ever again.

[u/Bobodoboboy → u/ThePrincessDiarrhea]

Isnt working? I'd say this relationship is over. It would more sense for both parties.

[u/jackofslayers → u/Bobodoboboy]

OP is still lying to himself to protect a love she was likely lying about the entire time.

Tragic

[u/Comfortable_Way_1261]

NTA. Why are you still together though? You are obviously not compatible, don't communicate very efficiently (which could be improved but that's not the biggest issue here) and it was a really low blow from her to let you get attacked by her friends for something that she does not want to do. Thats sucks big time and shows a lack of respect on her side. She expects you to suck it up in front of her friends just for her to save face? You are also sucking it up at home, she is awfully egotistic and insensitive to put you through this. Could you have handled it better? Perhaps. Should you have? Nope. My question for you is: how long do you think you can go on like this? Have you discussed kids? Are you even on the same page regarding all other aspec ts of your life? Can you be sure of that? Also, her poly friend offering to have sex with you was pure gold. What was her reaction on that?

She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual

You don't do this to your partner. You just don't.

[u/spilledteacups → u/Comfortable_Way_1261]

I second this! You don’t do this to someone you love and respect!

NTA but save yourself dude! Find someone who values you and treats you with respect. You deserve it!

[u/Ok-Season-3433]

So she’s mad that you put her in her place after she intentionally embarrassed and emasculated you in front of your friends? Eye for an eye, she deserved it.

NTA

[u/MoonGladeLadyBug → u/Ok-Season-3433]

she deserved it

Hard not to agree with this.

OP, your wife is a coward! You don’t let your SO get beaten up, to save face. And her friends are atrociously out of line. They should be apologizing, not attacking you even more.

Don’t even waste another 9 days in a sexless marriage, with a wife who would sacrifice your mental health over feeling embarrassed.

NTA. Find better!

[u/Odd_Fellow_2112]

NTA. Your wife has made her problem your problem, and the only one suffering is you. She isn't suffering. Just you. Seriously, take up the friend on the poly as that is the only ass you will get if you stay in this relationship.

[u/FobbitOutsideTheWire]

Oof. Man, that story elicits a response just reading it. I'd ask my wife why, instead of prioritizing us as a couple, she prioritized the need to fit in with a random party conversation to the point that she volunteered completely fabricated personal details. Like she expended effort to contribute to that conversation instead of just sipping the last drink of the evening and listening to others blather on.

I honestly don't know what I'd have done, and what I think I'd have done sitting here emotionally detached from it might be totally different than what I'd do in the moment when emotionally compromised. Because that is a shitty situation she landed you in.

That was totally a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario, and this part cements it for me:

She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual.

She thought it was perfectly okay to create a situation where, with no prior discussion or strategy, her friends beat the shit out of you verbally and you were supposed to sit there and take it. And then go home knowing her whole friend circle thinks that of you?

Maybe (?) there was a more diplomatic way it could've been handled, but no, NTA.

[u/mspooh321]

NTA....you sacrifice having a sex life (or lack of one) bc her sexuality. Now, she wants you to be viewed as a bad partner who's not meeting her needs.

(Respectfully)....but f*** her‼️Then, ask her what is the long term arrangement for your marriage?

I don't (usually) propose open marriage but.....

[u/StonognaBologna → u/mspooh321]

Exactly this. Her feeling of asexuality is valid, but so are his feelings of needing intimacy. If this relationship was to continue forward, and that’s a hard if, there would need to be some arrangement where both parties are able to have their needs met.

[u/Icepick_37]

She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual

That's one of the most bullshit things I've ever heard. You don't set up your partner for that kind of grief. NTA

[u/JuliaX1984]

NTA and you didn't out her. At all. Plenty of allosexual people go through periods of not having sex. She has zero right to be angry about you correcting her lies.

[u/NinjaLawnGnome]

NTA. If she's not comfortable with her friends knowing she's asexual, then they aren't really her friends. And if they think different of her now knowing she's asexual, they're not her friends.

[u/superflex]

NTA.

She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual. I completely disagree but can kind of see where she's coming from.

So your wife, who basically spent the first half of your relationship presenting a lie to you, and has spent the entirety of the relationship repeating that lie to her friends, is pissed with you that the results of her lies led to you being the punching bag, and you didn't want to continue to lie down so her friends could drive the bus over you repeatedly?

Get a divorce.

[u/Dick-the-Peacock → u/superflex]

She is a liar and doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry you love her, but sometimes love is not enough. You deserve respect, and a partner who desires you. This event feels like a relationship ended to me. How can you trust her? If she divorces you, she’ll be doing you a favor.

[u/vlepun → u/Dick-the-Peacock]

It's not even about trust or not. The wife is psychologically abusing /u/lowpriorityhusband, and he'd do well to recognize the pattern shown here. This isn't about someone's sexuality, this is about one partner abusing the other by subjecting them to breaches of trust and wilfully subjecting them to abuse by third parties.

Honestly OP, I would not want to be in this relationship you're in. Not because of the mismatch in sexuality but because of the abuse.

[u/BendPresent1437]

NTA. You are the victim here. Knowing that your wife has sex with you only out of duty and not because she actually enjoys it, and probably has been that way from the beginning must be really humiliating and demeaning... i dont know how i would react if i were in your situation, but IMO you are a saint for staying with her, i definitely couldn't.

And on top of that she's throwing you under the bus with her "friends" questioning your commitment to her and your masculinity while it's not at all your fault... WOW... i see only one AHOLE here, and that's not you.

[u/No-Gain-1087 → u/BendPresent1437]

NTA tough luck man did you know she was like that from the beginning, I would be gone life is to short

[u/ElephantNo3640]

NTA. She had many opportunities to not use you like a doormat.

[u/hveitgeirr]

NTA. You need to talk with your wife, she’s a wildly manipulative person. Clearly a liar, too, and she’s got some helluva victim complex.

[u/Scary-Cycle1508]

No. Hell no. you're NTA here. Your wife is a massive one for multiple things.

I am sorry but no. This is squarely on her. she could have jumped in. she could have stopped her friends (seriously who the hell talks like that at a party?) she could have LIED that you give amazing oral. But she didn't. All she cared about was herself.She should be ashamed of herself how little she cares about you.

She should be ashamed of herself just what sick and boundary stomping friends she associates with if those discussion subjects are as frequent and normal as they seem.She lied to you to get you to marry her. And no i don't believe a second that she didn't at least feel that her sexdrive is extremely different than yours. Sexual compatibility is one of the main things needed in a marriage.And then she lied to her friends, perpetuating this grand story of wild sex, only to then throw you out in the cold and insist you wouldn't go down on her.THEN she proceeds to let her friends emasculate you and dog pile on you without stepping in for real. her half hearted "Oh no, its not bad. I'm okay with it." is not stepping in.In addition to that does it seem like its perfectly normal for that friend circle to share extremely personal and intimate details of their relationship. That is NOT okay. Do you know what else they talked about? Do they get to hear all of your marital problems?

I'll be honest. I don't think your marriage will last. resentment will fester. Not only because of the massive incompatibility when it comes to your sex life, but also because she shares too much with her "friends" and now that a few of those friends are against you, they will be whispering in your wifes ear to make her divorce you. They will constantly ask what else she doesn't like about your marriage and will tell her that her behaviour is perfectly okay, while yours is abhorrent and that you should be way more supportive.

Also...tell those voyeuristic friends of hers to go F themselves and stay out of your marriage.

edit: show your wife your post and the comments

[u/bbrekke → u/Scary-Cycle1508]

Yeah, why couldn't her lie be a good one about how great you are at it? Like, it's a lie either way, so make it a positive one.

[u/calling_water → u/Scary-Cycle1508]

It sounds like his tolerance of their incompatibility has led his wife to think he’ll accept anything that she pulls on him. Even if the relationship can survive the incompatibility, I don’t see how it survives her having that self-centered attitude.

[u/Techno_Core]

Unrelated but interesting:

all these women talk about how much they love having sex with her husbands / partners and all the things they do... my wife makes up all these wild stories and things we do

They're probably all lying too.

[u/LemonDeathRay]

As a general rule, outing people is an AH move. Unless you are being actively denigrated, shamed, or otherwise put in a horrible situation as part of their cover.

You aren't obliged to be a punching bag to maintain her anonymity. There are 1000s of ways for your wife to stay in the closet that don't require her to sit back and allow you to be publicly shamed and attacked.

Trust goes both ways. She can't demand emotional safety, respect and consideration if it isn't flowing both ways.

NTA.

[u/canichangeitlateror]

If she likes to make up stories, she could have jokingly say ‘oh sometimes I wish he would stop! He sees me more from down there than in the eyes!’ and wink and laugh idk.

Why say something like that?!

NTA

[u/Zygmunt-zen]

NTA. You were ambushed when your wife straight out lied. She should have said she didn't want to talk about it and left it at that.

[u/mattycbro]

Naw she sucks and so do the people she associates with

[u/Aliteracy]

Nta

She says she knows it must have been shitty to sit there and take it but that they're not really my friends, so some momentary discomfort from people I don't really associate with isn't comparable to her prolonged discomfort of significant people in her life now knowing she's asexual.

That's such horseshit. She's been lying to her "friends" for fucking years, selectively shares a truth that's only makes you look bad. The least she can do is either opt out of these convos or make you look good, not essentially blame you.

[u/brsox2445]

You need to tell her that your relationship is over. No “oh we can have more sex” or anything like that from her. Tell her that it’s not working for you and that it’s best if you go your separate ways as amicably as possible. Be clear that her telling your friends things that aren’t true and then allowing you to be shamed for correcting lies has probably cost you the friends that and likely will cost you others. She needs to understand the hurt and know that things aren’t reconcilable. Because let’s be honest, those people you were with and those who know them are almost certainly going to take her side and see her as a victim and you as an asshole.

[u/Scary-Cycle1508 → u/brsox2445]

i wonder how those friends of hers would react if their partners denied them sex for a while...for an unforseeable while.

[u/brsox2445 → u/Scary-Cycle1508]

It’s entirely different when someone else is affected.

[u/Odd-Writer2153 → u/Scary-Cycle1508]

And then lied about it to their friends.

[u/SirChancelot_0001]

NTA

She put you in that position by lying through her teeth. And I’m tired of “Well I’m sorry for X but what you did was way worse,” especially when it’s their fault to begin with. If she’s ashamed of her asexuality then it’s something she needs to get a handle on and not throw you under the bus because she doesn’t want to be viewed differently than everyone else and instead makes you viewed differently.

She needs therapy and to come clean to her “friends.”

[u/[deleted]]

You know, I was ready to come in swinging with YTA but after reading all of that, jeez man, NTA. I’m a woman and I can absolutely say her throwing you under the bus like that is absolutely not okay. Yeah sure she may have been uncomfortable by being outed earlier than she’d planned, but IMO what she was doing to you was attacking your character and integrity. And sitting back and laughing along with her friends.

NTA. You don’t do shit like that to people you love.

[u/GroundbreakingTwo201]

NTA

Normally I'd be against outing people, but in this case your wife forced the burden of a significant and embarrassing lie for her own convenience. If she was really intent on remaining in the closet, she wouldnt have put you and herself in a position where she could be so easily outed. You should not have said the word asexual. You could have left it at years of no sex. If you wanted to be the better person, you could have waited till y'all were alone to argue about it. But, your wife put you in a position where your own integrity was compromised.

Why haven't you divorced your wife though? Why the fuck are you her punching bag in public? Please stand up for yourself moving forward, OP.

[u/Educational-News-982]

NTA. And her friends will always take her side even if she's egregiously at fault so just be mentally prepared for their squawking both now and as things unfold if you make decisions about the future of your relationship.

As a side note, this is not a tenable situation as others have pointed out. Resentment will continue to build and it's only a matter of time until you actually do something regrettable (e.g. cheat on her) and then the script will flip and you'll get steamrolled legally in a divorce and by friends and family. Take action now before things get darker.

You can take back control of your life.

[u/Haunting_Afternoon62]

She could have just said she doesn't like receiving oral. I don't either. You aren't wrong for calling her out. She was going to let you be humiliated? Nothing is that weird about being a sexual. Screw that, that she was gonna let u get shit either way.

[u/mi_nombre_es_ricardo]

NTA. Why are you even in that relationship? She doesn't care about you, doesn't really desires you, and when some strangers gang up and attack you she just stood there letting you get abused.

[u/Jmfroggie]

Normally I’d say you were wrong for outing her, except your WIFE LET PEOPLE HARASS YOU ABOUT HER CHOICES! She never once stood up for you, it doesn’t matter who’s friends they are. And since they’re HER friends, all the more reason for her to have been honest with those people from the start! Now they know she’s let them harass you- which is wrong of them from the start, but that she’s also lied to them!

I don’t know why you’ve chosen to stay in a marriage where you both are not getting your needs met. This isn’t a compromise- she gets her way and you don’t. She’s not wrong for feeling this, but it’s still forcing you to give up your needs completely unless you have an alternate arrangement.

But if you support who she is, she should’ve been able to stand up to people she considered friends!! If she couldn’t, then they aren’t friends and she should never have started making stories up that forced you to also lie to other people and making you feel missed opportunities every time she came up with a story!!!

Nta

[u/LatterPhilosopher355]

Why are so many couples out there just putting their partners on blast like this. Why doesn't anyone respect their partners anymore?

I get the chit chat about sex amongst friends but to the point where your friends are talking about it like this?

It's gross. NTA

[u/sueWa16]

NTA -To his wife; those aren't your friends if you cannot be your authentic self to them.

[u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS]

Why are all you guys discussing your intimate lives so openly anyway? It's so tacky, like you're teenagers. Is there nothing no longer sacred in marriages anymore? I could not even THINK about imagining my wife's friend brazenly asking me why I don't perform this act or that act in my own bedroom. This sounds trashy as hell. Geez

[u/Ever_Green_8]

NTA

[u/Ecstatic-Reply-3356]

Your wife is wrong. VERY wrong. She didn't just opt to keep a private detail about herself private; rather, she made up lies about you without your consent to shine a negative light on you, which she could hide behind. She set the dogs loose on you to draw attention away from herself. She's human garbage, and you're NTA.

[u/cprice3699]

Good on the partners of those horrible women to check up and make sure how you are doing, wholesome masculinity right there. NTA, but idk why you don’t leave your wife? Maybe take the friend up on that offer lol

[u/Philophobic_]

NTA. I get why your wife feels a way, but as husband and wife it’s both of your responsibilities to protect each other. How hard would it have been for her to say something akin to “I don’t kiss and tell” or even “He doesn’t like when I kiss and tell,” since she’s cool with throwing you under the bus anyway. Her friends seem nosey and overly persistent, so even if you hadn’t said anything, I doubt they would’ve let it go (ie suggesting therapy, books, classes, porn, etc.). Because your wife opened the door to your private “sex life” by outright lying about its existence, it’s inevitable that her friends would eventually find out she’s asexual, one way or another.

I can’t speak for your relationship, but I personally can’t be with someone who puts their friend’s perception/feelings ahead of our partnership (within reason, of course), especially if we’re married. It makes me feel like they’d throw me under the bus at any given moment, potentially when I need them the most (I wouldn’t say I have trust issues, but I’m independent almost to a fault and quick to fall back when I feel an imbalance in a relationship…I can definitely do bad by myself). And then to basically say just deal with the “momentary discomfort” like she isn’t actively causing it? Boy, you’re a stronger man than me, cuz I might be searching up pawn shops and apartments by now 😂

Btw, her friends sound pretty trash. Saying they’re gonna convince her to leave you? Like what dumpster fire forged those bozos?

[u/PacmanPillow]

NTA - She threw you under the bus and lied to cover for her own internal ace-phobia. That’s an inherently unloving thing to do, make your partner look like crap in public because she’s ashamed to admit her authentic self.

[u/United_Fig_6519]

NTA but clearly you are not ok being in this relationship. Who would? She went from being sexual to asexual. You clearly are not asexual. When the topic came up and you ask her to shut it down she did not- so you did. Block all those friends. Also who would like starfish sex...her offering that is just a slap in the face. I would take the offer to go for a beer and have a deep conversation with your wife...do you seriously want marriage where there is no healthy sex life? Are you willing to stay in relationship where only her needs are met and her friends can call you and speak to you such disrespecting ways?

[u/throwaway22333333345]

Friends gang up on you when your Wife lies, Gang up on you when you tell the truth, kick you out when YOU want to leave. Harass you and call you names.

NTA

Dude I get you love your wife.....but what is honestly the point of being married to this woman and friend group?

[u/julesk]

NTA and I’d tell your wife that you accept her asexuality because you love her but you’ll be damned if you sit there being harangued because she lied and kept lying and no, it’s not worse that you outed her. And to claim it shouldn’t matter to you because it’s her friends so you’re worse doesn’t work because lying and making your lover look bad is just not ever okay. It’s far worse than you responding with the truth. I don’t think it’s your fault she’s asexual either. If she wants to do counseling to work on a satisfying sex life like you two had before that would be great but she hasn’t and it’s not ok. Obviously or see own it and you’d be ok with it.

[u/FaultLess4631]

She hung you out to dry in front of her friends then plays victim when your response didn’t suit her image; definitely NTA. Seems like you gave her a chance to clear the air and she fucked around and found out. You don’t seem like an AH at all and you sounds like you really love her but it appears she takes you for granted and would rather toss you under the bus then tell the truth. Sorry you have to deal with this but hope you two are able to work through this, if not, you always have that rando who’s dtf.

[u/Number5MoMo]

So your roommate let her friends degrade you as a husband and didn’t stand up for you. And is not making you feel guilty for having…. checks notes feelings?

Idk how you think your relationship is good because your wife seems to ONLY put HER feelings as a priority and you’re so used to it you don’t even see it.

NTA. I’m sorry for you. That’s a sad life to live. She SHOULD leave you. So you can actually have someone who, at the very least cares about you. Because she doesn’t seem to.

Edit: it’s just so crazy that she wanted you to accept the label of being a shitty husband because she was too ashamed to be honest with her friends… that just sucks

[u/Theankielocker]

Your wife sounds exhausting and I’d be worried about further issues with not being truthful.

There’s a woman out there that will gladly ride you because she wants to and not because she feels like it’s a chore. Go find that woman and don’t look back.

[u/jackfreeman]

Man, she's asexual, but she fucked the shit out of you on that couch. In front of all of your friends.

[u/Dresden_Mouse]

NTA. She was totally comfortable playing victim in front of her friends and leaving you like a bad husband.

[u/Possible_Liar]

Honestly the real asshole here is her friends.... None of their fucking business what you two do or don't do in the bedroom...

[u/Midwesteuroguy]

Just leave. You're incompatible

[u/hippyfishking]

I’m pretty ignorant on the whole thing but is it normal for someone to just become asexual? I thought it was an inherent part of your character and orientation, like your straight, bi etc. I just have a hard time believing she wasn’t aware before, if we’re assuming she’s genuine which would be my next question.

As for the rest of the story, what was she expecting? You to just accept humiliation while she lied? You need to be thinking on why you’re still married to her. What she did was contemptible. No one deserves that. NTA

[u/Major-General-Nunya → u/hippyfishking]

I figured out I was bi in my 20s. Looking back of course there were much earlier signs, but it took a long time to understand it, articulate it and accept it.

[u/MegaLowDawn123 → u/Major-General-Nunya]

Yeah the part about you taking a long time to understand it and express it makes sense. OPs wife ‘happened’ to figure it out and express it within a few months of being married. Sounds pretty bad but def could just be a coincidence.

[u/Elm-and-Yew → u/hippyfishking]

Asexual person here. You know how you can't prove a negative? It's like that. You just wait for a long time thinking "Eventually I'm sure I'll see something I like and then I'll know what people are talking about."

It took me until my late 20s - early 30s to figure it out but it made sense when I learned it was a thing. I just thought I was a really... REALLY... late bloomer. Turns out there's probably never gonna be a bloom.

[u/ScottishIcequeen]

NTA. She literally left you no choice!!

For her to sit there and say ‘it’s ok, it’s ok, he does other stuff’ is a flat out lie, and sounds like she is wanting the be the centre of attention and seeking sympathy.

I would lie for my husband without question, and would have his back 100%, but don’t back me into a corner and make me look like a coont, and let all sorts of names be thrown at me and act like the victim!

I’d have done exactly the same tbh. Her not talking to you is on her. She’s embarrassed because she’s built up a storyline that isn’t true, but one to suit her friends. That’s not right either.

Would you have retorted differently if she said beforehand that she was going to elaborate a story/lie? Would you have went along with it? Purely for curiosity tbh. Had my hubby said what he was going to do, I’d have managed it somehow. But you got this thrown at you sort of thing. You can’t put the pin back in the grenade!

[u/superchargedgearhead]

NTA. She's gaslighting you. YIKES. Find someone that's more aligned with your sex drive. With her two friends' reactions, I almost wonder what she says in private to them. Also, I don't want to dismiss ace people, because they're out there, but it sounds like there might be something more going on. This might be uncomfortable, but has she ever had an orgasm? This just seems like she wants to put all this blame on you and put in very little effort. I almost wonder if she's put in the effort to figure herself out.

[u/RJack151]

NTA, Personally, I would not be in a relationship with an asexual person.

[u/TXCRH67]

Fuck that, you are NTA, She sold you on a bill of goods and did not produce said bill of goods. Kick her to the curb! She's a real piece of shit!

[u/Jack_B_kwik]

She had it coming and she must’ve known it. Her “friends” sound weird af. Leave her and find someone who wants you.

[u/Bug-Sweet]

Your wife and her shitty friends suck. Nta

[u/soph_lurk_2018]

NTA this group needs to find a new topic of conversation.

[u/CalligraphyMaster]

NTA but Fuck your wife is a fucking asshole. DUDE! WTF what she did is way worse that you "outing" her to her friends. She straight up lied about you. She does not get to lie to make herself look and feel good. She deserved to be humiliated.