r/AmItheAsshole 7d ago

Open Forum AITA Monthly Open Forum - December 2023


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r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago

AITA for telling my daughter that either everybody comes to her birthday party or no one comes at all?


My daughter is eleven going on twelve, and her birthday is coming up in a few weeks. For her birthday, she wants to go swimming, so we rented the local community center that has a pool and a giant activity room where we’ll have lots of treats and stuff. We asked her to make us a list of invitees so we can get everything coordinated. She asked if she could just invite her whole class of 20 or so kids. It’s a big activity center with lots of room so we said that was fine.

So she goes to the kitchen and about ten minutes later comes back with her classmate “directory.” Her school puts together a small binder that lists the names of the students by each class, the names of the parent(s), and a phone number and/or email address. She hands it to me and I quickly notice that three names have been crossed out. I asked why, and she said those are the ones she doesn’t want to invite. I started asking her other questions, like if they had an argument, or if they were mean, bullies, etc., and she maintained that no, she just thought they were strange and didn’t really like them. I told her that she can’t just invite the whole class with just three exclusions. She just kind of looked at me and said it’s her birthday. I explained that this could be hurtful to them, and that if she was so staunchly against them attending, then it would be better to have a smaller party and invite just a handful of her closest friends. She said she doesn’t want a small party, she wanted a big party, and I told her then everyone in the class is getting an invitation. She said no, they aren’t, and I told her okay, then no one is and she ran out of the room crying. She has started crying and running away whenever she has seen me since and I’m starting to feel guilty.

My wife was frustrated with me and says that she gets where I’m coming from, but it IS daughter’s birthday and she should only have the people she wants there. I tried to explain that I don’t want our daughter to be a reason these three kids have a crappy time in school. I can’t in good conscience let her exclude other kids like this.

Am I the asshole here? Wife says all we need to worry about is daughter having a fun birthday and I’m already ruining for picking a fight over something no one will remember years down the road, but I don’t agree at all. If they were bullies, that would be one thing. But they aren’t, so to me, it’s cruelty. And cruelty sticks with people.

r/AmItheAsshole 9h ago

AITA for eating a steak in front of my vegan friend?


Let me start by saying this; the restaurant choice was hers, and hers alone.

I am 36, male, and the friend in question is 31 female. She had known about me losing my grandmother, so she wanted to take me out to eat, to “Get me out of the depression I was in”. She said it was her treat, so I was sold!

She takes me to a local steakhouse. I see the steaks as soon as you walk in, ready to be picked out. We go to order, and she orders a salad. I order an 8 oz T-Bone, cooked Medium Rare. As soon as I say that, I hear an “ugh”, from her.

When the waitress leaves, I look at her and ask her what’s up? She informs me that she has recently became a vegan, not because of allergies or anything, she just thinks that “vegan is a healthier lifestyle”, and that she couldn’t believe that I ordered a steak.

I gave her this “What the Bleep?!” Look, and she responds with, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Um, you took me to a steakhouse. You can’t possibly expect me to go along with your vegan diet in a freaking steakhouse, can you?! Well, that upset her(which, I do get, I came across as a little bit of an Asshole there), but then, when our food arrived, she was visibly annoyed with how much my steak was dripping from the juices. I offered to have it boxed up, to enjoy it once I was out of her presence, but she was like, “No, you ordered it to eat here, you might as well.”

As I was cutting into it and everything, she kept on giving me this look of pure disgust, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at her, and point blank asked her, if she has such a problem with me eating meat, then maybe I should pay for my food, and my own ride back, and she could pay for hers and leave. She did so, left, and she hasn’t talked to me since. Am I in the wrong here?

r/AmItheAsshole 17h ago

AITA for telling my brother “I guess you go to jail”


I (32) my brother Tim (24) has trying to go to film school. In July I got a flag on my credit report someone tried to cosign my name on a private student loan.

I found out my brother somehow got the information from my mom thinking I wouldn’t notice. Tim is on the spectrum. He doesn’t have great judgment but my wife was pissed because we are living with my inlaws (on the other side of the country) saving up for a home once (if) the interest rates drop. I have kept my credit flawless.

So I did the things you are supposed to do report it for fraud. I tell my mom and she doesn’t say much. It slowly comes out that my brother couldn’t get a loan and he found some paperwork about my parents will that had my ssn on it laying around. He couldn’t get the loan without a co signer and put me down.

It takes months for this to come out. So my wife and in laws pressured me to file charges on Tim. I told my mom what Tim did was wrong and illegal. My mom started crying and handed the phone to Tim and I explained to him about what he did and he needs a lawyer. Again Tim is autistic and started panicking about what will happen to him after the headache of his actions and everything going on I said “ guess you go to jail”

Since then Tim went into a bad state and his meltdown caused him to be on psychiatric hold. He’s in bad shape and my family blames me because he keeps saying I’m going to jail. I don’t know if he actually would for what he did but because of what I told him he’s regressed bad and has been in a panic for weeks and is not getting any better. My parents did get him a lawyer to try to calm him down but he’s back in the hospital again for another stay.

r/AmItheAsshole 12h ago

AITA for telling my daughter I don’t think I know she is a bad mother


I don’t know if this was out of line or not. My daughter got married to my SIL years ago and they have a 7 year old. Now he is off traveling a lot for his job and she also works.

At the beginning everything was great but they decided to pull their kid from public school. Instead of sending him to somewhere else she worked from home and did homeschooling. I brought up my concerns and when most of them came through I tried to get him back into school. This fucked up my relationship with them and they threatened no contact.

My grandson is a mess, I have watch this bright kid fall behind. He can barley read, he can’t do any math, and just forget about spelling or any of that. Our state doesn’t help either since homeschooling laws are so loose.

She was over last night and was ranting about a parent refusing to let her kid hang out with him. This parent basically called her a horrible parent and she asked me if I though that also. I told her I don’t think I know she is a bad mother. Her kid can’t even subtract and it’s laughable if she thinks she is a good parent.

She called me a jerk and stormed off. I’ve gotten so many texts saying I need to apologize. I am unsure if I should and I know that she can’t afford to keep her son away since I babysit for free. So that’s not a concern.

r/AmItheAsshole 9h ago

AITA for telling my son's mom she can have him for Xmas if she pays for a summer vacation?


I share custody of my 8yo son Elliot with my ex. It's mostly split and we have a calendar that we revise if needed. Usually we swap him every week but around holidays we extend the times. So the ex gets him for half of this month and I get the other half.

The reasoning for this month's schedule is that she was planning on spending Xmas with her SO back at his home state. I wasn't planning on traveling. Just Xmas at home. This week the ex said her SO wanted to take her and Eli on a skiing Xmas holiday and could she actually have him the last two weeks of December.

I said so let me get this straight. You have him for two weeks already and now you're asking for another two weeks. Where does that leave me? She told me we can talk about afterwards. I said no, we can't. I'll tell you what. You give me money upfront so he and I can take a summer vacation.

She said that was outrageous. I said not as outrageous as asking me to give up my time up front and your refusing to give me anything up front in return. And yes, I'd be willing to negotiate if I aaked her to give up her time and let it be known and not hang up like she did.

My son might not even want to go. He probably would rather stay with Daddy and spend the Xmas break on playdates and sleepovers with his friends.

r/AmItheAsshole 14h ago

AITA for laying down the law with my daughter?


I (M44) have a daughter named Jamie (F14) with my ex-wife Miranda (F43). Miranda and I have been divorced for the past six years and she's had primary custody since then, but I have generous visitation rights and custody on weekends and one week a month (so I get Jamie about 40% of the time.) Jamie and I have a great relationship in spite of the divorce, but things haven't been as easy for the last few months after my girlfriend Brooke (F36) moved in with me. Brooke and Jamie don't always get along, which I expected, but because Brooke doesn't try and overstep her bounds I didn't pay it much mind until the last few weeks, when Jamie began to go out of her way to disrespect Brooke.

Last weekend, I came home from a meeting to see Jamie and Brooke arguing. Apparently, Brooke asked Jamie to do the dishes and Jamie responded with something along the lines of "you're not my mom, I don't have to listen to you" which sparked an argument. After Brooke left to run an errand, I asked what was going on before Jamie gave me her version, saying that Brooke overstepped her bounds. I countered that while I agreed with her, she was still a member of the family and then told Jamie that while she's under my roof, she'll be expected to treat Brooke with respect. Jamie was moody for the rest of the weekend, which I understand; however, I don't think I'm asking for anything unfair here.

r/AmItheAsshole 12h ago

AITA for getting my young niblings gift cards for Christmas because my SIL complained?


I (F22) have an older brother, (M29). He has three kids, ages 9, 7 and 7.

I don't have a lot of disposable income for multiple reasons and I have been strict with my Christmas budget. For my niblings, I've had a budget of ~€30 per child, which I know isn't a lot.

My SIL (my brother's spouse) is very particular about things and is trying to be one of those mommy blogger influencers. It feels like with the kids' Christmas and birthday presents, I can never get it right and I wouldn't be surprised if my gifts end up in the garbage.

She's usually polite and grateful to my face but then my mom or brother will contact me and complain about my SIL's complaining about my gifts!

She usually makes a gift list for Christmas and birthdays for the kids but all of the items on these lists are over €80. This year, all of them are over €100. There is no way I could afford that.

In Christmas 2021, I got all the kids cute outfits each with cartoon characters they like. They loved them but I never saw the kids wear them, and I got an earful from everyone saying my SIL was complaining.

For 2022 Christmas, I got them all lego sets each. SIL complained to me endlessly and said that she doesn't want to be picking up lego pieces every night.

This year, I'm just giving the kids Amazon gift cards so they can pick out toys that are approved by their mom. Recently my brother and SIL asked me what I'm getting the kids for Christmas and I told them that I'm giving them Amazon gift cards. My SIL said "Well, that's not very Christmassy" and left it at that. Tbh at the time I thought she was just making a dry joke.

Anyway, now my brother is complaining to me and saying that his wife is really not happy with me because I haven't bought anything off the wish list. I told him straight it's because all the items are too expensive. He said I should've said that from the beginning instead of just ignoring it and buying gift cards. He said the kids are too young for gift cards when they can't go and buy the stuff themselves without help from the parents and I should've asked first. I argued that he and his wife know I don't have a lot of money, of course I'd love to spoil my niblings but I do not have €300+ to spend on people's kids.

Am I wrong for this?

r/AmItheAsshole 2h ago

AITA for telling my boyfriend I won’t have kids with him if he’s going to be homophobic


Okay so my bf (23m) and I (21f) got into a argument tonight because he started making some gay jokes. I then proceeded to ask him if he hates gay, which he answered no. But he told me he thinks most gays are mentally ill and he’s never met a normal gay person. I kinda took this to heart as I have alot of gay friends and I myself am bisexual.

I asked him what he would do if his kid was gay, and he told me he’d send them to therapy because if your gay your “naive and possibly mentally ill” I then called him an asshole and said I wouldn’t want kids with him then out of anger. We got into a huge fight and now we’re not talking.


r/AmItheAsshole 9h ago

AITA for telling my uncle he doesn't belong at thanksgiving


hopefully this doesn't hit home for anyone it is not my intent to offend anyone. and i do definitely regret what i said but i think it was somewhat needed to be said. My uncle is a drug addicted, manipulative, thief who doesnt support his own 4 children at all. Hes been doing his bender dissappearing acts for years now and it has taken a toll on my little cousins and im quite protective over them because theyre like my little brothers and sisters. He shows up in town out of no where, asks to crash with family which someone always lets him, the he begs everyone for money so he can get back up on his feet and even after giving him money most of the time which i dont think we should do, he still steals money and valuables from anyone hes staying with in our family and no one ever confronts him about it and im tired of it.

its been about 7 months since we saw him and last time he came in to town he stayed with my great grandmother, got cash from all of us not including me, then stole a family heirloom watch and pawned it for 100$ when its a priceless watch to my grandmother and probably has a real value of 3000$. He showed back up at thanksgiving and everyone welcomed him with warm hugs like nothing had ever happened except for me and his children who he didnt even acknowledge. after eating and talking for a while the hustle began, he started pulling people aside indivisually and asked for whatever cash they had, and of course my family of givers gave him whatever cash they had because he was "clean" and "getting his shit together" then he came over to me and my cousins and squatted in front of us and said "any of yall little rascals got some cash" and i was boiling hot and i finally blew up.

it was a pretty long and loud blow up as i started by saying "you seriously walk into our thanksgiving and dont even acknowledge your kids and when you do its to ask them for money?? how much of a piece of shit deadbeat dad are you?" then the whole room filed with silence and i could feel my body heating and sweating of anger and i said "you are a thief, a deadbeat, a liar, and you dont belong in this family" i felt like i said what needed to be said so i was waiting for some type of backup and i see him look back at my mother and my mom told me to leave and i threw another tantrum about how much bullshit it is that anyone tolerates him and his kids are miserable without him then stormed out alone.

dont get me wrong i do love my uncle but i think he needed some type of tough love from someone because he just gets a free pass with my entire family and no one tries to help the real issue instead they just fund his habits. i know family is family or whatever but i dont even consider him my family anymore

r/AmItheAsshole 19h ago

Not the A-hole AITA for not keeping my ex-wife stuff for over 2 years while she "figured it out"


So me and my ex-wife were married for a little over year when she came home from a girls trip and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. Wouldn't really give me a reason for this, didn't want to discuss it unless it was with a therapist, which I didn't want to do unless she told me first because I didn't want to be blindsided by something with a stranger present. Long story short, I could have been a better husband, she could have been a better wife. But we separated, divorced, and that was fall of '21. Fast forward to now. We've had very minimal contact (for taxes or mail, stuff like that) but have been very civil with each other. So this past summer I hadn't heard from her for months and wanted to clean out my garage. Some totes of clothes and decorations that I'll never use. So away it went to the trash or donated. Now when we first separated I gave her plenty of time and opportunity to remove her items from the house(anything that wasn't blanetly mine like my PC or guns or stuff like that. I honestly just wanted her out of my life so I told her to take whatever she wanted), even leaving the locks unchanged for a whole year after divorcing because up till then her name was still on then deed to the home. I guess she moved away after the divorce to another state? I'm unsure as I just didn't ask and didn't care. So recently she text me and said she would be in town and asked if she could come get her stuff and remove some of the house hold items as well like a gas grill and a table. Items we got when we were together and have been left with me and used by me for the past two years and the items that I've gotten rid of. So am I the asshole for just telling her no? I don't want to be mean about it but it's been two years since we divorced. How long was I suppose hang on to this stuff? She never asked me to hang on to it for her. Plus the common house items that I've been using, am I just supposed to let her have those and buy new stuff? I'm very confused about what she expected after two years of being divorced.

Edit: There was a previously discussed time for her to get her stuff. (I'm going through text messages trying to figure out what to tell her) It was last Christmas and she never showed up because she said she got caught up with family and had to fly to New York for the New Years party. That was also the last time we spoke till now.

Update: I told her her stuff was gone several months ago since she didn't contact me to get it after so much time had passed. I do have one item that I'll return to her because it was her family's and I didn't know it was left here. No response thus far.

Legally I'm fine, I talk to my attorney.

Morally, I feel bad but it is what it is. I truly figured she'd moved on so she didn't want the stuff.

Speculation about the divorce: I don't know why she left and I don't care at this point. Chalked it up to things don't always workout.

Why didn't I go to therapy? No, I didn't abuse her. I just wanted to know if I needed to get checked for an STI. She had already made her mind up about the divorce. I didn't see a need to talk about it and hear about all the ways I "failed" as a husband. I felt bad enough at the time and it wasn't going to change her mind on leaving so why do it.

r/AmItheAsshole 15h ago

AITA for asking my grieving brother to leave my daughter's birthday party?


Last week marked the anniversary of my brother's wife passing, coincidentally on the same day my daughter was born. My wife and I have been planning her first birthday party for weeks, and the entire family was looking forward to it, especially given that she's the first grandchild and niece.

Understanding the significance of the day for my brother, I checked in with him beforehand. He mentioned not planning anything special to honor his late wife, expressing concern about "stealing the spotlight" from my daughter's celebration. I reassured him that it was important for him to commemorate his own feelings on this significant day. He chose not to, and attended my daughter’s party instead.

Fast forward to the day of the party. The family is busy setting up, and my brother starts silently crying, the intensity of which seems to increase progressively. When my sister asked him what was wrong, he shared that seeing everyone celebrate on a day that held personal sadness for him was difficult. We all tried our best to comfort him.

As the party went on, my brother's mood didn’t change. Multiple times, he managed to bring up his late wife’s passing to my friends, detailing the heartbreak of losing her on the same day. Also Sharing the details of her passing. While the kids were playing, and everyone else was having a good time, my brother seemed stuck in his grief, casting a shadow over the celebration.

Frustrated and feeling the party's mood being dampened, I approached him and told him to leave if he couldn't be positive and enjoy the moment. He left, upset. After the party my mom confronted me, saying it was cruel to ask him to leave. According to her, I’m the asshole because he wasn't bothering anyone and was just grieving. I feel as though he was being negative the entire time and making the party about him, but after what my mother said I kind of feel terrible about asking him to leave. AITA

r/AmItheAsshole 6h ago

AITA for not wanting to Christmas shop for my shoplifting In-Laws


AITA for not buying my in-laws presents?My husband and I (F21, M22) just recently bought a house a year ago, which means plenty of fixer upper stuff to do and things to fix. We bought a house, and are still paying off our wedding within the past year and a half (meaning plenty of debt). Most recently, I have been part time at my job for the past 4 months and has reduced our total income by a heap load, but thankfully my FT position resumed in January. In this economy we haven’t had any “extra” money to spend, it’s mainly poured into groceries and credit card payments.

Now to the really problem at stake. My husband’s parents just recently texted us their Christmas lists (lists that we did not request). We hadn’t told them we weren’t buying presents this year because we couldn’t afford it. Their lists are filled with expensive stuff $150+ items. Now for a little backstory, last year for Christmas my husband and I went to California on a small but still expensive trip. So we also didn’t buy Christmas presents last year as well because we thought a trip together would create more memories (we don’t travel often). My Mother in law requested I buy my husbands younger sister (13) a Christmas present last year and sent me her list. Last year, I politely told her that we would not be doing gifts this year as it wouldn’t be fair if his family got them and my family didn’t. This turned into a 2 month battle between my MIL and me on how I was a controlling wife, and I could have easily bought something at the dollar general for his younger sister. I explained that at the end of the day, her $10 gift of useless stuff from the Dollar General shouldn’t prove my worth to somebody and it’s just the principle. I was mainly focused on my how my boundaries need to be respected.My MIL would tend to try to hold a financial string above our head. Now the funny part… my inlaws got ARRESTED for shoplifting so much at a local Walmart. Like I’m talking the cops had to wait until they stole THOUSANDS of dollars worth of stuff to be charged. They are now banned from that store. Now the kicker, they had their 13 year old daughter (my husbands younger sister) with them in the majority of the footage. They technically didn’t really go to jail they paid their bond/tickets and went home but have to go to court still. My husband and I found out about this from the local newspaper, it rlly came out of left field.After we heard the news we decided to set our boundaries between his parents and us because we didn’t want them to think their actions were okay and tolerable. So, after I received their Christmas list I audibly laughed because it had to have been a joke right?It’s crazy to me to just send a Christmas list to somebody who didn’t ask for one specifically, especially to your broke kids.AITA for not wanting to waste a dime on my in-laws?

r/AmItheAsshole 10h ago

AITA for trying to let my stepdaughter keep her jewelry?


My wife's grandmother, we'll call her Gigi, passed away three years ago. The only thing she had of value was a pearl necklace. To avoid a fight, my wife and her sister decided that this would be a "family necklace", that all the women and girls in the family would share. The only five left are my wife (granddaughter #1), my wife's sister (granddaughter #2), May (great granddaughter #1), Elsa (great granddaughter #2), and Anna (great granddaughter #3).

This lasted until April of this year, when May borrowed it for prom. That night, there was a car accident. Everyone made it out with minor injuries, I think one kid got a broken arm, but the necklace was destroyed. It was devastating. Things have been tense for months, but now my wife's sister has a plan.

During her life, Gigi had more than just the pearl necklace, but before she died, Gigi gave it all to May because the rest of it was all religious/cultural and May was the only one of the great grandchildren to engage with it. My wife's sister thinks that now that should be family jewelry as well.

I don't see the point. My wife's sister converted out when she got married, and her family's religion believes that it's not okay to have other religious symbols in your house or wear them. I don't know if that also means you HAVE to destroy them if they end up there, but he's said that he would be happy to. My wife has also converted out, so she has no reason to wear it and it would just end up sitting in a box.

Letting May keep it is the most fair because it means it wouldn't get destroyed and it would actually be worn. It's not even her fault the pearls got destroyed in the first place. It would have happened to anyone, and I don't think she should get punished for it by losing jewelry she wears every day forever, which is what would happen. Now everyone is mad at me for interfering and not letting them discuss it themselves, and my wife's sister thinks I'm discriminating against them. AITA?

r/AmItheAsshole 17h ago

AITA for calling my brother in law a misogynist?


I(F28) just got laid off work about a month ago and got offered the opportunity to move in with my younger sister(F23) and her husband(M25). They don't have kids yet so my sister offered me the spare room while I look for a job. After a few days I noticed him making small remarks about things around the house changing. We'd never had any personal conflict for as long as I've known him but he's quite traditionalist about the household chores.

He usually works 5-6 days a week as an engineer and my sister works part time at a day care in the mornings. So main issue is he's the only one with a car because my sister doesn't drive and he drops her off in the mornings, she then takes the bus back home. I try to be as helpful as I can around the house cleaning but I can't cook the meals my brother in law wants or likes.

Which is why my sister does pretty much all the cooking as she usually would. Now I feel pretty useless as I'm just cleaning or sitting around, and when I mentioned this to them he said I should fetch the groceries. I tried to tell him he is the one with the car and getting groceries is almost impossible on the bus. I told him he could easily drive all of us there in the evening and we could get everything we needed at once.

He said I was being lazy and not doing any of my 'duties' at home so I called him out for his ancient views and called him a misogynist who needs to get with the times. My sister has now sided with her husband and says I should apologise and be grateful as it is. AITA?

r/AmItheAsshole 7h ago

AITA for being "unsympathetic" towards my sister when I said we would be skipping a holiday gathering?


I (25F) am married to my husband (26M). We live about 45 minutes away from where my parents live. They live about 10 minutes away from my sister Rachel and her husband and their 4 kids. Their oldest is 12 and their youngest is 2. All of the kids are very well behaved and we love getting to see them when we can. My husband and I try to make it a point to spend individual time with one of them a month, and we see them all during birthdays, some holidays, etc.

My mother and sister do not work. All of the kids are either in school or in daycare (including in the summers), and my parents watch all of the kids two days a weekend of my sister's choice. This is relevant because when they're making plans and invite my husband and I, they forget that we both work (but my husband is currently working from home because he shattered his arm and is currently in a full cast and sling, waiting for another surgery which will be on December 27th.) They'll be like, "we're taking the little ones to see Paw Patrol Thursday at 1, can you both come, they'd love to see you" then when I say we'll be working they'll ask if we can "just request off".

Anyway, my parents just finalized plans to have two larger holiday get-togethers (one with each side of their extended families) plus a smaller holiday get-together with just them, my sister and her husband, me and my husband, and the kids. The two larger gatherings are scheduled for the 20th and 21st, the smaller gathering for the evening of the 22nd, and then we are traveling to see my husband's family the 23rd - 26th. For the first two they rented a gathering space that's an hour away from us. Additionally, relatives on both sides offered to host but my parents insisted on the gathering space because it's more convenient for my sister because she has 4 kids to shuttle around. Everyone in the family is chipping in to cover the cost of the rental space.

I asked if they could come to our house for the private gathering, as it would be easier for us because we both work that day and my husband has a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. Initially they said yes, but today they said it will be at their house because, again, it's easier for my sister and the kids. I expressed my frustration and said she's not the only one who is busy and it's unfair that everything is always made to convenience her, even at the inconvenience of others. My husband and I agreed we will bring our gifts for them and the kids to the larger gatherings and skip the smaller one. They asked if we could request just off on the 22nd. We said no.

They're now saying we're both being unsympathetic (because my husband is agreeing with me and it was his idea to skip) and that "we don't know how hard it is because we don't have kids." My sister especially is saying I'm being an AH and she feels like I'm trying to say I'm more important because I work, which I'm not. I'm just asking for some consideration.


r/AmItheAsshole 11h ago

AITA for how I revealed that I’m autistic?


I F24 have been with my bf for 2 years. We're family friends and have known each other and the other’s family growing up.

Throughout my life I thought I’d struggled with anxiety, depression, and mild OCD, but never quite fit the diagnostic criteria and struggled to get effective treatment or a diagnosis. This has been pretty private my entire life- it was rarely visible from the outside.

Shortly before my bf and I started dating, at 21, I saw a new provider who suggested I read about how autism presents in women. I was hesitant since I had a preconceived idea about what autism looked like, but just about everything I read clicked and it was like a light flipped on. I felt so understood and everything made so much sense, including my past struggles to get an effective diagnosis/treatment.

I underwent two evaluations (one was just for a second opinion) and was diagnosed with autism from each.

The diagnosis did not change much about my day-to-day life but understanding autism definitely helped me learn better coping mechanisms for some of my struggles.

My evaluations were literally right before bf and I became “official” and it took me a while to disclose to him, but he was super understanding and read up on autism in women. It has never been an issue in our relationship.

Recently we were at a bonfire with his extended family and I was sitting with the women. Bf’s sister Sara is pregnant and shared fear of her baby having autism, and the women started talking about how awful that would be- how if the baby had autism it’d need round-the-clock lifelong care and ruin the parents life.

I sympathized to an extent because autism is a spectrum, and some autistic people do need round-the-clock lifelong care and raising a severely disabled child is taxing. But most autistic kids grow up into functioning adults, so I kindly told her that and that even if her baby had autism, everything would most likely be alright.

She responded “Have you ever MET an autistic adult? Clearly not.” Then went on about how even the few autistic adults who don’t need round-the-clock care can’t hold “normal” jobs and could never support themselves.

Everyone with autism is different, but Sara and her family have always raved about me and expressed extreme support for me and bf’s relationship. I have a great career and very comfortably support myself.

I listened until I couldn’t anymore and then I said. “Sara, for what it’s worth, I am autistic.” The women freaked out and said there was “no way” I’m autistic.

I went on to share that I’ve been evaluated twice, and autism is pretty widely misunderstood.

Sara practically ran to tell on me to my bf, who just said “I know. It’s not really a big deal.”

He is on my side but the rest of his family is saying I ruined their night and should’ve sat them down to have a serious conversation about my diagnosis rather than “springing it on them.” They’re extremely pissed at me for the way I went about this.


r/AmItheAsshole 21h ago

Not the A-hole AITA for telling my friend's sister that my friend's wedding is not about her?


This is a really low stakes situation, but I just wanted some other perspectives in case I'm in the wrong here.

My (25f) close friend Robin (23f) just got engaged to her long term partner a few weeks ago. Her partner (24M) asked me for some help with setting up the proposal and the whole thing was lovely. Since then they have been having a look at Pinterest for colour schemes and venues, but no actual planning yet.

For a little background on Robins' sisters (17f and 25f), they can be a little much. Robin has always been the quietest one of the 3 and while she get's along fine with them, I wouldn't say they're super close. Her sisters can sometimes say or do things that are a little out of line, and they just expect Robin to accept it and not say anything. I have met the younger sister before, and she does seem to expect things to go her own way.

Now my husband and I were at Robin's house a few days after their engagement and her younger sister stopped by quickly with her boyfriend. She was talking about the wedding and said something along the lines of 'well we all know it's mostly going to be about me anyway'. She said it quite straight faced and while I figured she was probably joking, I knew she'd made comments like this in the past that had upset Robin. So I said back 'I think your sisters wedding will be about her, not you.' I definitely meant this as a joke, and thought I had used a joking tone. She left shortly after.

I've since found out she was quite angry at my comment, and has told her mum and oldest sister. Robin knows it was a joke, and has said she actually appreciated me standing up for her. Her sisters however now don't want me involved in any aspect of the wedding planning, and have said it should 'really be a family thing anyway.' Some of her other family have commented I was harsh and that she's 'just a kid.' In my eyes, it was intended as a joke but also I think 17 is old enough to know what may be an inappropriate thing to say, and understand that her comment hurt her sisters feelings. I'm starting to feel bad though, so AITA?

r/AmItheAsshole 12h ago

AITA for eating my wife's sandwich? (sounds dumb, I know)


Long time lurker, first time poster here. This one is not mind blowing or Extreme, but I felt compelled to post it because I really cannot decide who's right here. It's bothered me for a minute and I can see both sides, and thought you all might be able to figure this one out. (Or maybe it is straight up me...idk?)

A while back I went to a small family gathering with my wife. It was my family mind you and only 3 or 4 members. We all went to grab food at a small boutique sandwich shop that was known for making some really good simple food but not quite your average sandwich. My wife and I each ordered a sandwich with similar sounding names and slightly different ingredients.

We return home, and I start passing out the sandwiches while my wife is using the bathroom. They all have similar wrappings and such and look VERY similar to each other, so as you can guess, I accidentally take my wife's sandwich and start eating it thinking it was the one I ordered.

I'm telling everyone how good it is when she returns to find that I just finished hers, and the one I ordered is the only one left.

Naturally, she blows up at me and makes a big scene about me eating her sandwich. At first, I felt terrible (and still do, mind you) I was apologizing sincerely, and even offered to go get her another one.

But then for the rest of the ENTIRE day, not only my wife, but my entire family is raging and jumping down my throat about what an awful person I am, really to the extreme, like I ruined the entire vacation for everyone.

Eventually I had enough, and I blew up. I went off on them all about how I had made a simple human mistake and tried to apologize for it, and now they are acting like overgrown CHILDREN throwing a tantrum and crying because they didn't get the EXACT sandwich they wanted! It showed just how spoiled and entitled they had all become because it was such a disaster they didn't get exactly what they wanted, how and when they wanted it, and I told them all to **** off and grow up and stop crying over a stupid sandwich.

Long story little less long, they all still are p***** off at me and treat me like a bad guy.

So, like I said I can see both sides, I get it's frustrating.

But AITA for being careless and not paying attention? Or are they the bigger A**, for overreacting and throwing a huge fit over something (I think) is so small?

Thanks to all who actually read this dumb thing and take the time to reply.

r/AmItheAsshole 19h ago

Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to look after my housemate's cat and threatening to take it to an animal shelter?


I (22F) house-share with Mia 22F and Amy 23F. We all finished uni courses last year. I am doing a postgrad course at the uni, they entered employment. We got together via mutual friends as we were all looking for a rental. I spend most of my time at uni or working in my room.

Six weeks after we moved in Mia came in from visiting her parents with a cat in tow that was hers when she lived at home before uni. She hadn't been able to have it at uni so her parents had kept it. I was not happy. I hate cats due to a bad childhood experience and was annoyed she hadn't discussed it with us. She just said the landlord didn't mind and that it would be no trouble. Amy likes cats and was pleased so I was in the minority. For the sake of harmony I didn't make a big issue of it, I was just clear that I would not do anything for the cat at any point.

Few weeks ago Mia announced that she had a 3 month work placement in another part of the country. She would get free accommodation so wasn't moving out permanently. She'd still pay her share of rent but couldn't take the cat. Again I was not happy, but Amy said she would look after it. Mia left 3 weeks ago.

Shortly after, Amy got ill with health issues I won't go into here. It means she has to move in with her parents temporarily. She left a week ago and will be away until after Christmas so I'm left on my own in the house with the cat.

I immediately called Mia and said she had to sort someone else to take the cat. She said that was unfair of me because she hadn't known Amy wouldn't be around and there was no one else around locally who could take it. I said that was not my problem, it is not my cat. She said to give her a few days.

The cat is not "no trouble". It is needy. It goes outside but whines by the back door after being out for an hour or so. If I let it in, it's not long before it's whining outside my bedroom door. I have loads of uni work to do and this is distracting. It did this even when Mia and Amy were here but it's worse now that they've gone. I've been feeding it but hate having to do this. The food stinks the place out and is running low.

It's a week since I spoke to Mia and no sign of the cat going anywhere. I message her daily about it but she just fobs me off. In desperation, I called her parents directly to ask them to come and get it. They were annoyed at me and said why couldn't I just look after it. They couldn't just drop everything and come for the cat as they live over three hours away. I said that unless someone picked the cat up within 48 hours (which is how much food it has left here) I will take it to the local animal shelter and tell them the full story - that its owner has effectively abandoned the cat into the care of someone who does not want to be responsible for it.

Mia has blown up my phone since then, calling me an AH.


EDIT. Thanks for the replies. I can’t respond to them all. But there were a couple of things I wanted to come back on.

Firstly, why are some people accusing me of condemning the cat to death if it goes to a shelter?! That might be the way it is in your country but I’m in the UK and the shelter I’d take it to is an RSPCA one. They’re a charity that look after animals which have been abused or abandoned. They don’t put animals down unless they’re ill or mortally injured. So if you’ve accused me of that, you’re just wrong, plain and simple. I’d give them full details of the owner and the circumstances around this matter. Mia would be able to reclaim it when she pulls her finger out and actually does something about this.

Also, some have got the wrong end of the stick regarding Amy’s return. I know I put “after Christmas”. That doesn’t literally mean January 1st. She is quite ill. I’m not going to share details but even she doesn’t really know timeframe. It’ll just be sometime after Christmas. Could be a while after.

Thanks again for your replies.

r/AmItheAsshole 6h ago

AITA: No, I don't want your 'fat clothes'


In the past year and a half, I (49) have lost 85lbs, and as a result, have had to restock my closet (and I have) now that I've hit a comfortable weight. My MIL (64) and my mom (76) have recently lost weight, too, and they were also able to get their diabetes under control and I'm thrilled for them. My MIL, and especially my mother, know that weight has been a touchy issue my entire life. Even though I haven't always been overweight, I was never 'thin'. Now that they've started losing weight, they keep dropping off clothes at my house and always say things like, 'Since I've lost weight this is way too big/loose/baggy for me and I thought I'd give it to you since it might fit you.' Side note, my style and taste in clothing is VERY different from theirs and my body type (pear/hourglass shape) is VERY different from theirs (apple), and I'm about 5 inches taller than both of them. I know I'm probably a little overly sensitive about this, but AITA for not wanting their old lady fat clothes and and being so f'n annoyed that I worked so hard and they're tossing their old stuff my way. Am I being ungrateful? How do I say, 'No thanks, I have plenty of shit that I actually like that doesn't fit me anymore, I don't want your old fat clothes even if you only wore it once." And don't get me wrong, I love a good hand me down, but the stuff they give me is always too big, too, on top of not my style or taste. And inevitably, they ask how it fits and if I like it. Several times I've said, no, it was too big, so I donated it (not always received well-oh, I could've found someone else that might like to have it).

r/AmItheAsshole 20h ago

No A-holes here AITA for not changing the seating arrangements at my wedding last minute?


So here’s the backstory - I got married this past March. About a month before the wedding, my brother tragically passed away. He and his girlfriend were supposed to sit at a table with my sister and her husband and their 2 kids, as well as my brother in laws parents.

My brother’s friend and his girlfriend were then slated to take his place at the table, a few days before the wedding he reached out to me saying that it was too hard for him and he wouldn’t be attending. Totally understandable, so no big deal. The following day I found out that my brother in laws parents also wouldn’t be attending because his dad was in the hospital with pneumonia - again, totally understandable.

At this point it was way too late in the game to be changing table arrangements, all the personalized place markers and all of that were already in our hands (it was also a destination wedding so we had to haul all of this stuff down there ourselves). It was a buffet/station style dinner, we had no wedding party or speeches or anything like that, so people were sitting at their tables basically for as long as it took to eat dinner - 40 minutes maybe? So my sister and her husband and their 2 kids sat at a table together without anyone else.

This apparently pissed her off royally, because she made a scene and then refused to talk to or acknowledge me until just yesterday when she sent me a long text outlining how hurt and disrespected and unwelcome she felt because or this.

Looking back, I could have at least taken away the empty chairs from the table so that the painful reminder wasn’t right there in plain sight. But other than that, I’m not sure what else I could have done. Besides, the few days leading up to the wedding were some of the busiest I’ve ever had in my life making sure everything was in order and ready, it was honestly an oversight.

So here I come to Reddit, was there something I could have done? Am I the asshole here? Did I deserve to get the cold shoulder treatment for 9 months because of this?

r/AmItheAsshole 18h ago

Not the A-hole AITA For refusing to go to a Christmas party after my husband brought up his concerns about my old life?


I, 37 F and my husband, 52 M have been together for 9 years. For a little back story, when we met, he was my next door neighbor and I worked in a gentleman’s club and was working on my degree holistic medicine. When we got together, I quit working as I was finishing my last few months toward my degree and everything was going smoothly. I have been working in my field for the last 8 1/2 years consistently in my own private practice and haven’t looked back on my old life. Fast forward, he has been working his job for over a year and this is the first time he has been invited to a corporate Christmas party that was not during business hours and we were both excited to go. The day before the party, I told him I had taken off from work so I could go shopping for a Christmas dress so I could dress appropriately since mostly these days all I ever wear is scrubs. He told me that he was worried about someone recognizing me from my old life and that it would embarrass him if someone did and that if they did, he would have to quit his job because he wouldn’t be able to handle people talking behind his back about how he was married to an ex-stripper. As this comment offended me, I took in what he said and I told him that if he is that concerned about someone recognizing me from my old life then maybe it would be best if I didn’t go to save him the possible embarrassment. He told me that I was being selfish and I should have thought about what I was doing back then and what consequences would have come about in the future. I suppose he is right in this regard because I don’t talk about it but never did I think it would come back to haunt me later. Am I the AH for refusing to go to a Christmas party after my husband brought up his concerns about my old life?

r/AmItheAsshole 19h ago

Not the A-hole AITA for saying my brother I didn't want to see his girlfriend at our house because she took a salad at a family dinner


My brother has been dating his girlfriend for a year now. They were living in another country then, so my family had never seen this girl. But from phone conversations with my brother, it seemed to me that this girl was not very decent. It felt like she didn't want to work, but she also didn't want to do household chores. More often than not, she was set up for endless parties and hangouts with friends. It embarrassed me, but I never talked about it with my brother. If he chose her, then he probably really loved her and there was something more important about her.

Two months ago, they finally moved to our country and settled on the next street. My brother came to visit us with her, and my unpleasant impressions of her only intensified. She behaved as if she were at home, treated our cat rudely and openly laughed at our father when he fell. He is 70 years old and has problems with his spine, so it is difficult for Dad to walk, but she found it a funny topic for a joke. In addition, I noticed that she took my cosmetics without permission when she was visiting us. I tried to talk to my brother as gently as possible about her behavior, but he defended her and found nothing wrong with what she was doing. To be honest, it seemed to me that he was definitely bewitched by her. Previously, he would not have tolerated someone laughing at our father or painfully grabbing an animal.

My patience ran out two days ago when my brother and this girl attended our family dinner. These were our national dishes, and the salad stood in the middle of the table along with a clean spoon, and with the help of it everyone could put a portion on their plate. And so, right in the middle of dinner, she just picked up a salad with her spoon used for soup. It's probably just a small thing, but I swear my eyes turned red with rage then. I told her that what she had done was unhygienic and disrespectful to other family members. In response, she looked into my eyes and laughed. I was ready to throw her out of the house at the same second, but I restrained myself. After dinner, I invited my brother into the next room and told him that I no longer wanted to see his girlfriend in our house. My brother thinks I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm making a big deal out of a molehill.

He also said that I was being too picky with her and was probably just jealous of him as a sister.

Edit: For anyone who asks. She didn't use her personal spoon, she used the one she was eating soup with.

r/AmItheAsshole 5h ago

AITA for inviting my brother’s ex-wife to my parents’ home for Christmas dinner?


Here’s some background info: My(23f) brother’s(26m) ex-wife(25f) and I been best friends before the two even started dating. Three years ago they first met at my family’s 4th of July cookout. A few weeks after that they started dating which at first was a little weird to me seeing as though she’s my best friend and he’s my brother.

They eventually got engaged and got married two years ago through court with my parents, her parents, my older sister and me being present. Unfortunately, the marriage didn’t last long. They divorced four months after and my brother ended up getting his own apartment. Right around that time he met his now-fiancée whom he is set to marry next year in February.

Now getting to the upcoming Christmas dinner part. My parents are hosting Christmas dinner at their house and when I found out my best friend wasn’t spending Christmas with her family due to them planning to do their own thing this year I decided to invite her to my parents’ home with my parents permission of course. I told my brother about it to give him a heads up. He didn’t care or mind. But when his fiancée found out about it she called me asking why did I think it was okay to invite my brother’s ex to my family Christmas dinner. I reminded her that my brother’s ex been my best friend before the two met. She actually knew about this when my brother first told her. But she didn’t accept that. She told me I was being disrespectful inviting my brother’s ex wife and I told her if she has a problem with MY BEST FRIEND being there she can just stay home. I feel as though I shouldn’t have to stop inviting my friend to events just because my soon to be SIL have an issue with it.