r/tifu 18d ago

TIFU by telling my girlfriend my “type.” M

TL;DR TIFU by essentially telling my girlfriend that my type was the exact opposite of her. Sad times ensue.

Obligatory “happened a couple months ago,” but realized I fucked up this morning.

Some time back, I brought up the topic of ‘types.’ I mentioned it because her best friend and I seem to damn near be the exact same individual, just of different genders, and I joked that she must have a type.

She took it a bit more seriously than I intended and proceeded to tell me she wasn’t sure she had a type, but she did like it when men were comfortable with expressing femininity, and that she thought tattoos were cool. Then she asked me my type, and I told her that generally it’s been curvy blondes with long hair, big chests and blue eyes. She lightly teased me for having basic tastes and we moved on.

The past couple of months, she’s been asking for constant reassurance. Asking if I’m sure I like her immediately after moments of intimacy, asking if I find her attractive, etc. She also stopped coming with me to the gym, which was strange because she loves weightlifting, and has lost a lot of her muscle tone.

This morning, a woman walked past our car at a red light. I sincerely didn’t notice her, but my girlfriend said, “Wow, look at her. She’s exactly your type.” I hadn’t thought about that conversation since it happened, but everything made sense, instantly. I told my girlfriend that she was my type, she said, “Not even close” and started crying. I have only seen her cry one other time in the four years I’ve known her.

My girlfriend is tall, flat-chested, muscular and has short brown hair and brown eyes. She’s beautifully androgynous and occasionally people mistake her for a very pretty teenage boy. (I love and am attracted to every bit of this about her more than any other ‘type’ that exists because she’s her.)

She said when she spoke about her type, she said she described a vague style pretty much anyone could embody (and I do dress and style myself a bit adventurously for a man), meanwhile I described an individual person she was in no way similar to, but always felt like she was expected to be. She said she couldn’t go to the gym anymore because she’d tell herself I was checking out other girls (I glance sometimes but not egregiously, and we used to do this together) and all she could think about was how unlike my ideal she was.

That one throwaway conversation has been eating away at and completely wrecked her self-esteem for months and I only just realized. Looking back, she definitely did try to bring it up once before early on, and I brushed it off with “you’re perfect for me baby don’t worry about stupid stuff” not understanding how bad she was feeling.

So yeah, I feel like I fucked up. Not sure what to do about it.


2.4k comments sorted by


u/EcelecticDragon 18d ago

Tell her this. All of this. Except for the teenage boy stuff.


u/currently_pooping_rn 18d ago

Yeah take that shit to your grave


u/Curious_Omnivore 18d ago

And to Reddit


u/Vilmoo00 18d ago

Reddit is our grave


u/Xardnas69 17d ago

What a sad place to rest for eternity


u/Rhadamantos 17d ago

Who said anything about rest?

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u/Traditional_Badger69 17d ago

100% agree. Starr off with, "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you're not my type, I feel horrible. I had no idea you were bringing up that conversation and I brushed it off. insert in the "you're my type because and why"


u/RaeLynnShikure 17d ago

Ditch the if and this is a great response.

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u/Zealousideal_City759 18d ago

This got locked in her vault for good


u/IfYoureMyEx 18d ago

Exactly. Now it's a wound that's festering.


u/Remarkable_Bus7849 18d ago

I call it a soul wound. Those don't heal so good and can kill you as sure as a bullet.


u/surloceandesmiroirs 18d ago

It creates resentment in a relationship, one of the four horsemen… not a good sign.


u/crushingdandelions 18d ago

The other three?


u/surloceandesmiroirs 18d ago

Criticism, contempt (resentment), defensiveness, and stonewalling! John Gottman’s theory.

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u/ImmediateShallot7245 18d ago

I didn’t know there was a name for that feeling but it’s perfect description! I have felt it and it’s deep pain 😞

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u/Secret-Primary-9118 18d ago

My wife brought up types before, and thankfully I was smart enough to respond “you.”

Her type is tall, lanky, goofy-looking guys. She proceeded to give examples.

Self-image still hasn’t recovered lol

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u/[deleted] 18d ago



u/Past-Salamander 18d ago

I am the opposite of anybody my wife has dated or been in a relationship with. It's entirely possible to have a type and have your mind changed by somebody that comes along. My wife wasn't my "type" and still isn't in some ways, but I love her more than anything.

I think what we both realized was how important the right attitude was to both of us and that was far and away more important than any specific physical feature


u/ruiqi22 18d ago

I totally agree, but I think hearing your partner say that out loud when they’re deep into a relationship with you is just hard to reconcile, you know? He wasn’t intentionally malicious, but OP definitely messed up

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u/HopingForAWhippet 18d ago

I hope you realize that "type" means absolutely nothing in the long run for a lot of people. I have a very distinctive physical type based on what type of celebrities I like looking at, and what type of person my eyes are drawn to in a bar. To the point where when my best friend watches TV with me, she can immediately tell exactly which characters I find attractive.

Guess what, no one that I've developed actual romantic feelings for even sort of resembled that type. But I still found all of the people I actually liked absolutely gorgeous, because at a certain point when you care for someone that way, their appearance just becomes exactly what you want to look at, regardless of what you might have thought if you just saw a photo of them before knowing them. Also, I find that the actual chemistry you feel with someone in person has only so much to do with what they look like.

So basically, if you have a good relationship with your husband, I really really doubt that you not being his normal type means that he doesn't find you perfectly stunning and gorgeous.


u/[deleted] 18d ago



u/rematar 18d ago

My type has changed several times in my life, right after meeting someone who spins me right round.


u/Coriandercilantroyo 18d ago

This. It's amazing what conventionally "unattractive" things have become the cutest things to me once I start dating people with those traits.

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u/globlobglob 18d ago

I love pizza in almost any context, even when it's frozen and not very good. But sometimes I go out and eat a meal that tastes amazing in a way I didn't know was possible. In that moment, it would be ridiculous to be disappointed that I am not eating a frozen pizza instead. What I'm saying is sometimes the world serves you up something better than what you thought you wanted.


u/elisabeth_athome 18d ago

I’d be really sad if i was the frozen pizza in this analogy.


u/narrill 18d ago

No one is the frozen pizza in this analogy. The frozen pizza is the person's "type," it's the thing they thought they wanted which is clearly not as good as what they ended up finding. OP's gf is the amazing meal they didn't know was possible.

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u/hugganao 18d ago

no no no, you're like the good kind of frozen pizza. The one that costs $15 not $11

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u/dereksalem 18d ago

Well sure, when you miss the analogy. The person was saying the “type” is pizza, but the current partner is the type of food you didn’t expect to really love that makes you not think about pizza.

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u/kidsandbarbells 18d ago

I bet it did. My partner told me his type was tall, thin, leggy blondes. I’m mixed, on the shorter side, and naturally muscular. Like complete opposite. Definitely messed with my head. Careless comment with lasting hurt.

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u/moonshoeslol 18d ago

With good reason. Saying your type is something completely different than her...yeah that's a pretty big fuck up.

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u/DrButterscotch 18d ago

You should’ve replied with the gospel of the great reverend Rae Sremmurd…

“And the shepherd said “I ain’t got no type. Bad bitches is the only thing that I like” and the heavens rejoiced and no fights with the partners were had.”


u/kadieparis 17d ago

The only appropriate response.

(also saving this for future reference)


u/ipickscabs 17d ago

This is honestly his best way out. Also once you’re with someone long enough physical appearance doesn’t hold as much weight, it’s more about how you grow with each other, get along, understand & compromise. I’d stress that she’s a bad bitch and he loves her no matter what, if I were him. Boom

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u/LtLatency 18d ago

The problem is you validated her insecurities. She looks in the mirror and goes "I wish my chest was bigger." After you told her your type is a big chest she think her boyfriend sees that same problems she sees everyday.

Then they don't feel sexy around you anymore and it is a downhill spiral from there.

You have to lay on the complements THICK that you are happy with her the way she is and would not pick anyone else.


u/count-the-days 18d ago

This one for sure. It’s not even that she’s not his type, it’s that his type is exactly what all women are told that is the “ideal” woman. So it’s a double whammy


u/MamaTash 17d ago

Especially if they have been liking posts, following or commenting on randoms with that body type. It highlights all of those insecurities

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u/Slammogram 18d ago

He also described her as flat chested.

Not smaller breasted. But flat chested. Ouch.

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u/thejasonreagan 18d ago

When you shared: " meanwhile I described an individual person she was in no way similar to, but always felt like she was expected to be. " ... This is telling. I would bet she's felt this way since early childhood and it probably got reinforced by her peers and family growing up. There's no way you single-handedly triggered her this bad all at once. Your comment was just the last straw that sent her over the edge...

As far as what to do about it, that's a tough one. When people get an idea like this firmly implanted into their minds, I haven't heard many cases of them coming out of it quickly or easily. I wish I had an answer for that.


u/Yolandatherat 18d ago

I was talking to my husband when my husbands best friends sister was brought up. She is a tall, blonde, model. I said “I wonder what my life would have been like if I was tall, blonde, and beautiful” and my husband said “probably weird for your parents” and It seriously changed the way I thought about myself permanently! I no longer wish I was tall and blonde, I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be (:


u/Andrusela 18d ago

I love this!

It was the best thing he could have said, snapping you out of any kind of downward spiral with truth and a twist of humor.


u/Yolandatherat 18d ago

I agree I seriously couldn’t argue with it so I immediately accepted it


u/hoitytoityfemboity 18d ago

Aw. That's so wholesome, you got yourself a man of wisdom

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u/throwaway10127845 18d ago

That's a great response!

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I had one ex years ago say someone about me being "lippy" down there and I've never gotten over it.

I've been with plenty of men, no complaints, and even one that specifically called out that he liked my situation and gave very specific reasons why.

But that one comment, not even said to be mean, still totally ruined oral for me, and took my sexual self esteem down a notch.


u/FrostByte_62 18d ago

I was with a woman for a bit who was hesitant to let me go down. She enjoyed it but was always paranoid about taste and smell because of some comments someone (I assume her previous long term ex) made.

She smelled and tasted like a normal woman and despite me telling her I love going down (which I genuinely do), she never got over it.


u/Tzipity 17d ago

That sort of thing is so damaging. Ugh. I had a close friend who is bisexual and it was the first girl she was ever with who straight up refused to reciprocate oral and told my poor friend she was “gross” down there and my friend never got over it. She’s way more sexually adventurous and open and bold than I will ever be but that awful comment from an ignorant teenage girl- not something my friend has ever been able to get over. And I still feel so angry on her behalf that it was another woman who said to her. Yuck.

(For what it’s worth I’m a lesbian and I happen to think vulvas are pretty damn magical. Lol. And few things would bum me out more than a partner who could not relax and enjoy receiving oral sex.)

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u/FinnsGrassSword 18d ago

I had a fwb for a few months that made an offhand comment about how small my clit was and I still think about it 10 years later. I'm happily married to a man who has no problems finding it but it fucked with me for a long time.


u/durtari 18d ago

Yes this, I have a hidden one and for years I was ambivalent about oral and clit play because it never did anything for me. A guy even commented on it. Until I found people who were very good at oral despite my small size! So maybe my other partners just sucked (poorly)

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u/AdReasonable2464 18d ago

Um, honestly, who can fit 11 inches? That’s as long as my forearm. Maybe anally. But I’m more inclined to believe those men lied to her and she just took their word for it.

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u/hemarriedapizza 18d ago

I second this. As someone who has an athletic build, I didn’t see a lot of women in media who look like me when I was a teenager. She probably has that same sort of insecurity, based on her description and the comments she made.

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u/SerentityM3ow 18d ago

Yea when he described his ideal woman he described " the ideal woman" for society for the most part . Blond hair, blue eyes and big boobs lol. His poor girlfriend


u/RoundComplete9333 18d ago edited 18d ago

There’s hope still here. But it’s gonna take some concentrated effort.

In my mind—careful where you trod—I can see OP staging an incredibly intimate and romantic setting that could be described also as a spiritual ritual.

This can be as involved as OP is willing but it includes both parties naked in both physical and soul-baring vulnerability.

Look into her eyes. Tell you are sorry that you spoke without thinking. Tell her that what you said was an old generic response to a shallow question about types and you responded from a solid place of security in your relationship because you can’t imagine feeling more secure than you feel in your attraction to her.

Then touch her face. Tell her what you love about her face. Tell her how it makes you feel just to be able to see her face every day. Tell her that you can see this face forever and never tire of it. Don’t hold back your adoration.

Continue to her neck, then her shoulders and when you get to her breasts, hold them close together and kiss them. Use your palms to hold them both. Don’t go straight to the nipples. Love the whole of her chest.

Then give her a full body massage slowly and with oil. Talk about everything you love about her body. Take this moment to share with her all the things you love about her.

There’s so much you can do with this. There is so much potential for healing and bringing healing energy to both of you.

Have some fancy snacks that you can feed her as you blanket her with your love and adoration. Make everything all about her.


u/qntum0wl 18d ago

I was unprepared to be subjected to such levels of rizz today


u/jakspy64 18d ago

I feel like I need a cigarette after reading this


u/kittykadat 18d ago



u/FinalDemise 18d ago

Keep going, I'm almost there


u/_StarPuff_ 18d ago edited 18d ago

My goodness.

As a woman, just reading this is making me melt and want to cry from happiness, ask for his babies, and then fall into a swoon from the imaginary man who would do this with me. In that order.

OP, please, please listen to this. You've just struck gold with Reddit advice. If this doesn't work, I doubt anything will.

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u/lordrothermere 18d ago

IMPORTANT USER INSTRUCTION: the spiritual ritual cannot not be considered complete and risks the summoning of malign entities unless the breasts are held closely together. For avoidance of doubt Crowley PLC recommends smooshing.


u/lookayoyo 18d ago

Instructions unclear, pp now stuck in toaster

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u/CRSHFBRCTN 18d ago

“occasionally people mistake her for a very pretty teenage boy. (I love and am attracted to every bit of this”


u/[deleted] 18d ago



u/[deleted] 18d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/iboughtshitonline 18d ago

Ikr u cant make this shit up


u/Emmiesmom1969 18d ago

Well I guess his type really isn't curvy big boobed blondes with blue eyes. Lol


u/CarelessTravel8 18d ago

Ooof OP kind of dense... 😆

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u/eyewhiner 18d ago edited 18d ago

Hi, sorry. She doesn’t look underage, she’s 29. Sometimes people 60+ years old thinks she’s a boy (but never a grown man, hence the “teenage” comment). She doesn’t look like a teenager, but I do find her ‘masculine’ features very beautiful, is what I meant to say 😥


u/CRSHFBRCTN 18d ago

I totally understood what you meant, I just found the phrasing to be unfortunate/comical. :)


u/Orangekale 18d ago

I understood what he meant but here's some free advice for OP: many GFs may not appreciate being told they have "masculine" features...


u/ChefInsano 18d ago

"You know, you're a real handsome broad. I mean that as a compliment."


u/baamonster 18d ago

Told a girl she has broad shoulders and should join our football team back in high school. She cried and I was very confused.


u/SerentityM3ow 18d ago

You're a monster 🤣.


u/Chuccles2 18d ago

We called a girl linebacker in middle school for the same reason. She never cried but shed punch us and tell us to shutup lol

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u/[deleted] 18d ago



u/ChefInsano 18d ago edited 18d ago

But babe! Think of the absolute units we could create! Our kid would be the first Sumo World Champion from Duluth, Minnesota. Just one of our kids is going to need a whole ass canoe to traverse a lake simply due to mass alone. Babe. Babe we could create physical monoliths. You get two of them on a football team together and you've got an impenetrable wall. Honey with your thighs and my torso our kids could be like prize bulls. Just massive. Imagine your ass on a dude. You'd need seventeen forklifts to get him to flinch. And your forearms. Babe if you were a dude and worked out you'd have Arnold Schwarzenegger arms. You've got this sexy Popeye linebacker thing going on and I dig it. When God made you it's like he thought "What if John Goodman was a woman?"


u/Taters0290 18d ago

I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

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u/kaitlyn_does_art 18d ago

Having a flashback to the time my dad called me "stocky" driving me home from work and I immediately burst into tears. Poor guy didn't know how to handle it, so he just started crying too.


u/Taters0290 18d ago

I was lamenting my size at 16, wishing I was petite and delicate (I wasn’t fat at all, just not delicate). My aunt in trying to make me feel better said I was wholesome. Yeah, just what every 16-year-old girl wants to hear. It’s a running joke between hubby and I for 33 years now. Wholesome….that’s me.

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u/awaythrow1985er 18d ago

This is so funny


u/Tzipity 17d ago

Lord, I’ve never forgotten the time my freaking doctor described me with that word as a teenager. It may have been the same bizarre appointment she should’ve technically told me I freaking had PCOS because I had all the symptoms (and I absolutely do have PCOS though it’d be a lot more misery and several more years before I’d learn that) and even the elevated testosterone level and she merely told me that part with an “But it’s cool, you’re stronger than other girls!”

Female doc, no less. I was freaking 14 and insecure af and just had my first freaking pelvic exam and Pap smear due to those menstrual issues I mentioned. God it was bad. I did really like the doc which helped a little? But damn if I didn’t hear “stocky, high testosterone, muscular- you’re basically a failure at femininity” in my head hard through the rest of my teen years.

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u/sld126 18d ago

My wife is a “big girl” because she’s 5’10”…


u/No_Turnip1766 18d ago

I'm 6'. Everybody used to call me "big" and at the age of 5, I had already figured out that that wasn't what girls were "supposed" to be. Cue a decade and a half of eating disorders. It's f*d up what we do to people who outlie the expected norms.

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u/HackTheNight 18d ago

I don’t know how you found that GIF but it is PHENOMENAL


u/chillwithpurpose 18d ago

(Just type in Chris Hansen, have fun!)


u/seahawk1977 18d ago

No one has fun with Chris Hansen. 😄


u/DrDiddle 18d ago

I do. I calls him Chris handsome


u/Immediate_Shift_3261 18d ago

I like ya and I want ya, now we can do this the easy way or the hard way, the choice is yours

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u/MrGrieves- 18d ago

Heads up dude. When you talk to her about this never use any of the terms you have been using to describe her here to us, to her.

Do not call her masculine, do not call her flat, or boyish, even if you like those things about her. She is very insecure about that and it will not go well for you.


u/z3nsd3n 18d ago

That like when your girlfriend says " i love your really tiny penis" lol


u/CyberPop2077 18d ago

🤣 “it’s adorable”


u/MattieShoes 18d ago

I got "It's so cute!"

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u/OhJeezNotThisGuy 18d ago

"It's not what most women want, but I love it!"


u/R3D0053R 18d ago

"People might mistake you for a girl, but it's exactly what I love about you!"

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u/KittleSkittleBink 18d ago

Say toned instead of muscular. If she is toned w/small breasts, tall, she has a pixie-cut or bob and is androgynously pretty…I feel like she might be a sexy, toned, long-legged wood-nymph. If this is true, feel free to swap some words here and there for ones with better connotations.


u/AdSmall3663 18d ago

100%, but I feel OP may already have


u/Yomo42 18d ago


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u/MeLoveCoffee99 18d ago

For the love of god, don’t tell her you love her masculine features! She’ll never get over it

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u/Neuchacho 18d ago

If you want a more easily understood way to put that, just say they're "tomboyish".

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u/SuspiciousBowlOfSoup 18d ago

I hope you see this.

Tell her what you told us, and elaborate better/clean it up (maybe don't mention the teenage boy part LOL).

It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive".

She is VERY likely self conscious about her chest, for starters - even if she's never told you. She also may have caught flack for being "manly" and even tall. What you said, while completely casual and with no malice, pretty much shattered her confidence in your attraction to her.

You know her better than me. But if this happened to me, this is what would make me feel better:

"I want you to know I was just listing off the most common traits across all my girlfriends/women I wanted to pursue. I've been thinking harder about it, and I'd say my type is more (list her qualities, physical and personality wise - like, if you love how muscular her thighs are, or her butt, etc, mention that in a general sense - 'I like muscular legs. I like strong arms.' etc)

I don't want to be with anyone else more than you. I didn't even notice that woman the other day. I never wish you looked different. You're so hot, you're (insert favorite trait here - funny, loving, etc, all of the above), and I am so sorry that I said what I said without clarifying. You are PERFECT, babe."

It doesn't need to be a whole speech but, if you reassure her like this I bet she'll cry and hug you. Bonus points if said over her favorite meal. 😂

You're a sweetheart. I hope she feels better. You didn't do anything wrong, just...us women have hangups about our bodies that rear their ugly heads at the worst times. Then our insecurities are like a dog with a bone; our brains won't let them fuckin rest, and we overanalyze everything, it drives us nuts. Having a supportive partner helps a ton there, as does being super honest. I just tell my other half outright: "Dude, I don't believe this. I promise I don't think this about you. But my anxiety is yelling at me so can you just reassure my dumb ass please" lmao. Let her know she can be open about how she's feeling and you will help. It feels so much better to be able to ask my boyfriend to help me fight my shitty inner voice 😂


u/Laeryl 18d ago

maybe don't mention the teenage boy part

SURELY don't mention the teenage boy part.

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u/aubrt 18d ago

This is such a generous response to OP (especially given so much unkindness in some of the other comments). Thanks for writing it--if they take your advice, I really think that will make for two significantly happier people!


u/Vegetable-Editor9482 18d ago

It sounds like you were describing the most common type of woman you tended to date before you met her, while she was in a headspace of "What women do you find attractive".

THIS. This is exactly it. Great reply.

And OP, you sound like a good dude. I hope you're able to articulate all of this to her and that you'll move forward together even stronger than before.

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u/blacknessofthevoid 18d ago

Definitely work on your communication skills. Your story is full of think before you talk examples.

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u/-Xsploitz- 18d ago

The real TIFU is in the comments


u/BGL2015 18d ago

I'm imagining you trying to comfort your GF by telling her how much you love her masculine features, lmao.

This fuckup, the first of many.


u/vampyrain 18d ago

"Babe it's okay. I love that you don't look like a blonde bombshell and look like a man instead!"

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u/cromagnongod 18d ago

lmao I cackled so loud

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u/AdvantageFuzzy2209 18d ago

Thank you! I needed this laugh lol. I didn’t even pick up on the awkwardness of the wording when I read it the first time!

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u/mokush7414 18d ago

OP's a Spartan, leave him be.

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u/thatisgangster 18d ago

my gf is my type, there are no other types, there are no other girls, they are not my concern


u/SanLuca_ 18d ago

I don't like women. I like my wife and that's it


u/OiFelix_ugotnojams 17d ago

As simple as that!

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u/Gostaverling 18d ago

My wife and I have been together for 27 years. Her type is tall, painfully thin and a bit edgy. I am none of those things. I am a perfectly average guy, average height, average weight (when we started dating). I was a soccer player and a bit on the stocky side for the sport. She is my type, or more to the point my type became her. I find my attractions being people that remind me of her. When I look at adult content, I look for women that remind me of her. Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.


u/notausername16 18d ago

I find my attractions being people that remind me of her.

Yeah, I've had three relationships where the talk of marriage came up. Without fail, this happened in each of those relationships.

I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.

This is the bit that I think a lot of people miss when talking about "types".

I know I'm not 100% my girlfriend's type. She likes tall, darker haired guys with beards, muscular builds, and tattoos. I've got the first three covered. With bulking up, I've tried over the years and know that my body's upper limit for muscle mass on the low side of average unless I make working out and eating my only priorities. Tattoos aren't off the table, but I don't really see myself getting a full sleeve, which is something she'd expressed she likes. That and I'd only get them for myself.

Regardless, I do know that she finds my appearance attractive and she expresses this explicitly. But what I find a lot more important is the attraction she expresses for my personality and the immense gratitude for my actions that I do without even thinking.

Looks are important but they change and fade with time. Most importantly, they don't get you through tough times. But personalities and values do and, after a certain age, they really do not change very much. My experience shows that personality and values are at least a billion times more important than looks could ever be for a committed relationship.


u/littlerabbits72 18d ago

I fell in love with my best friend - by the time we got together I had known him for about 10 years, 9 of which I quite honestly wasn't particularly attracted to him at all - he's a relatively good looking guy, never had issues attracting the ladies, but isn't really my 'type' as such.

There's a quote from the film "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" that has always struck a nerve with me and epitomises exactly how I feel about my husband now.

“You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.”


u/notausername16 18d ago

YUP! I completely believe this. I actually just finished typing up a comment where I tried to say the same thing, but did so far less eloquently haha.

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u/antihero2303 18d ago

Very well said. I had a very specific type when I was a teenager/my early twenties. I’m now 37, and I’ve been with tall and short, thin and chubby, tatts and no tatts, bald, long hair etc etc.

I love my partner and find him extremely hot, even though he wouldn’t fit what 20 year old me liked. I did NOT like beard and chest hair back then for example. But on him? Rawr.. ;)

As I’ve grown older, I think my “visual” type has become broader, now personality and values are much more important. My partner is incredibly selfless, he’s funny, clever, thoughtful, kind and sexy.

With maturity comes different perspective, I guess.


u/notausername16 18d ago edited 18d ago

Agreed! Types very much change with time and as you get to know a person better.

I've dated all types of women. But in my 20's I had a phase of dating medium height, bustier brunettes with olive complexions. My first two really serious relationships were with a Lebanese woman and a Mexican woman, but most of the casual dating happened with women who looked similar to them... So much so that anyone would be excused for calling that my "type".

I'm in my early 30's now. My current girlfriend (hopefully fiancee in about half a year) is a tiny, freckled, strawberry blonde, not very busty, a bit pale, and Ukrainian. I swoon the second I see this woman walk into the room, every time without fail. I'm legitimately attracted to every aspect of how she looks on a totally visceral level that I'd never experienced before her. This started right when I met her, but this feeling has also consistently grown in the years I've known her, while her appearance has (in my opinion) subtly changed.

In part, I think I spent a lot of time dating women who maybe weren't my "true type". But, in a much more significant way, I have this hypothesis that our minds tend to interpret the sight of other people with the treatment we expect to receive from them. The longer I get to know her and the deeper our connection gets, the louder the message "oh there goes the woman who thinks you kick ass on your worst days" plays in my mind while "oh there goes a really pretty woman" is played at the same volume. So much so that it doesn't even matter if her appearance changes significantly, because my brain will just associate any new traits with the same beautiful personality, and will still leave me feeling just as smitten by her.

TLDR - I don't think "types" really matter if a relationship lasts more than five dates.

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u/startbox95 18d ago

Throughout the years it has been hard for me at times knowing that I am not her type. I have finally come to a place that I must be something special for her to stay attracted to me even though I wouldn’t be the first guy to catch her eye across a crowded room.

Echoing this from the female perspective!

My boyfriend is 100% my type physically and personality wise. Meanwhile, his physical type is tall, slender brunettes and I am a short blonde who is pretty petite but more muscular than delicate in nature. He's never dated a single blonde before me and has dated several incredibly beautiful women who totally fit his physical type. Sometimes I feel badly that he's my dream man and I'm lacking the physical presentation of his dream woman. On the flip side, I know he wouldn't be with me if he found me generally unattractive and I know he loves me for the person I am and not just for my surface level appearance.

Even if someone has a type, I've never met a person who feels everyone outside of that type is unattractive. And, at the end of the day, personality is what impacts attraction the most. We're in relationships with people, not pictures.

I empathize with the emotional conflict OP's girlfriend is having and I hope she can get to a place where she can see it as a compliment rather than an insult.

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u/moon-flower777 18d ago

I fucked up by seeing what kind of porn my partner is into and it’s the exact opposite of me as well. “Chubby, mature milfs with red hair” and I’m a petite young blonde. I know it’s just something to look at. And maybe he’s not my ideal type either but for some reason it makes me really insecure.


u/Daveezie 18d ago

You saw A type of porn he looks at.


u/upboat_consortium 18d ago

Yeah, this was a snap shot in the kaleidoscope that is his porn habits.

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u/scaldingpotato 18d ago

There are a lot of things I wank to that I absolutely would not want IRL.


u/ZachariahTheMessiah 18d ago

Fr I've wanked to people I'd never think about getting with just because the scene had good chemistry even tho they were Hella unattractive


u/acid_horse 18d ago

If you were a chubby mature milf with red hair, he would be watching porn with petite young blondes.

Fantasy is an escape from, or an alternative to, reality. At the end of the day, when what they want in real life is you, that's what matters.

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u/the_one_jt 18d ago

This is a complex issue. People complain all day about how the other sex just views them as a sex object.

Ultimately there are more characteristics people take into account other than physical. They often don’t mention these when discussing type. It’s also impossible to match every type.

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u/MootRed 18d ago

"my wife is my standard of beauty"


u/SMC540 18d ago

Almost exactly the same situation. I'm not my wife's type, which is typically a really thin and punk aesthetic. I'm not that, at all.

I always chose to view it optimistically. My wife chose me despite me not being her type, which means that I must have something really good going on for her to deviate so far from what she would normally look for.

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u/Rubyloveskisses 18d ago

Yeah, you don’t tell your girlfriend your type is the exact opposite of her. Of course this hurt her feelings. She will never forget what you said.


u/CruelFish 18d ago

Now they just have to play the game that it must be true love since he can move past the typing with such immense ease.

Good luck, they'll need it.


u/Si0ra 18d ago

I wish OP included their ages, because if they’re young they can move past it as they mature. This stuff would’ve wrecked me in my early 20s, now it wouldn’t bother me so much in my 30s.


u/[deleted] 18d ago


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u/Remarkable_Winter540 18d ago

She's 29 per one of OPs comments

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u/battlehardendsnorlax 18d ago

OP says in another comment his girlfriend is 29


u/Dandelioon 18d ago

Good news then maybe she won't care next year OP

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u/ottonormalverraucher 18d ago

It’s probably one of those situations where lying is kinder, even if you actually have a very specific type that is vastly different from your current partner


u/linerva 18d ago

I mean I would argue that if you genuinely find your GF super hot, then she's ALSO your type, and your type isn't as set as it was in the past. Preferences change. Telling your partber you only like busty blondes if she is a skinny brunette is never going to end well.

Just tell your partber that your type has varied from partner to partner, and you find her sexy. That's all any partner wants to hear on that topic.


u/Alternative-Sock-444 18d ago

Right? All of my past partners have been skinny, small chested, and blonde or brunette. My current partner is a little thiccer than average, LARGE chested, and has a different hair color every few weeks, but goddamn if she isn't an absolute goddess in my eyes, fuck. This is why I don't really believe in types. If I had a type, I'd say it's anyone who I can love and can love me back the same 🤷

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u/lllollllllllll 18d ago

Yeah nothing wrong with being honest. “I always thought my type was X, until I met you. Now YOU’RE my type, and I think you’re so much hotter/more beautiful/whatever than anyone else.”

Then add some stuff about how, “I didn’t even notice that woman you pointed out… you look great now but I really miss going to the gym w you and how buff we got together… etc”

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u/Gathorall 18d ago

Especially when she goes effectively "you, dummy" first. Like if she threw out some movie star this could be said as a joke if it fits the mood, but yeah, like there's no excuse here.

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u/DanelleDee 18d ago

A type is like the comfort meal you gravitate towards. If your girlfriend is fucking filet mignon, it doesn't matter that your usual go to is mac n cheese.


u/KasukeSadiki 18d ago

Bruh this is such a perfect explanation. Saving this for future reference. "Types are just comfort food." Perfection.


u/DanelleDee 18d ago


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u/cjo582 18d ago

See, both are subjective. We're getting into psychology and how effective communication is vital. Because a partner might think of themselves as filet mignon, but worried that it's too much for you when you want mac & cheese, but in reality your partner is a tofu sandwich.

Crap, I've gotten lost in the analogy and can't recall my point... brb


u/TheNoseKnight 18d ago

I dunno what your point is either, but I do know that if I called my imaginary partner a tofu sandwich, I'd be sleeping on the couch.

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u/twinkletoes8675309 18d ago

That was my first thought as well. If my boyfriend’s comfort food was mac’n cheese, I wouldn’t want him to never get to have it.


u/cjo582 18d ago

It's funny you mention this because a friend on mine legit bought ez mac the other day.. hadn't had it in 15+ years... then he proceeded to say how nasty it was lol. I asked if checked the expiration because it was at his desk in the office... Maybe it was stale?

And he said it was fine date wise, then "how the hell did I eat 3-4 of those daily when I got home from school?" "You were a teenager. We were all in that phase of being a garbage disposal at some point during puberty"

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u/vodiak 18d ago

Exactly. Rephrased as a script for OP:

"Usually when I go out to a restaurant I know I like pasta so I'll order pasta. But then I went to a new place called 'Our Relationship', tried something new, and had the filet mignon. It was amazing and now that's my favorite."

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u/N8teD066 18d ago

TIFU by saying my girlfriend looks like a teenage boy.

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u/hartywhalers 18d ago

“What’s your type?”

“You’re my type.”

Is how that should’ve gone


u/SuperPotatoThrow 18d ago

OP couldn't have fucked up any harder. Mistakes were made here but we are all human though and shit happens.

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u/Muff-dive-707 18d ago

Every day I marvel at the low emotional intelligence exhibited on this sub.


u/James-K-Polka 18d ago

A sage call for better emotional nuance from Muff Dive.


u/ShredGuru 18d ago

Well, it ain't Today I Was Smart.

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u/Chrol18 18d ago

Tell us more MUFF-DIVE-707

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u/dericius 18d ago edited 15d ago

Relatable. My boyfriend of several years is very shy/private about his sexual desires. I asked him if there was anything in particular he found hot and for once, he actually replied.

His reply was “Asian women”. I’m a 100% Caucasian woman 🤡 and I agree, there are many many stunning Asian women. But Asian is something I can never ever be. Rip my self esteem lol. I wanted to know about things he liked that he and I could explore together, which I still have none of lmao ☠️

Edit: I agree, white men fetishising Asian women is completely fucked up. I work in an industry that already has a high rate of 0 respect for women, and my non white friends are treated even more poorly. It goes without saying that it is so wrong and no one should ever have to experience that. Our society is fucked, the casual and overt racism is appalling.

I agree his comment was in poor taste. In my bf’s case, I really do believe it was a thoughtless, spur of the moment comment because I am constantly pestering him about his sexual interests. I am sex obsessed and have thoroughly explored my sexuality/kinks etc, he has not, he likes it pretty vanilla. He has a general interest in all attractive women, regardless of race lol. He has never indicated that his type is Asian women, never seen any evidence of an obsession etc etc as some people are saying in their replies.

My partner definitely isn’t racist, and he definitely isn’t misogynistic.

He doesn’t talk about his sex life because of childhood trauma, I was being completely self indulgent in my original comment. Reading the OPs story brought the feeling of that moment in time back for me.

We have explored different sexual avenues together, he’s getting therapy. Too easy to make snap judgments based on a tiny minuscule fraction of peoples lives.

Hope everyone has a good day, unless you contribute to racial fetishisation/are generally racist/are misogynistic, in which case, have a very very very bad awful day 🤗


u/Findpolaris 18d ago

As an Asian femme, I wish I could speak on behalf of all Asian femmes and declare: we do not want him.


u/yildizli_gece 17d ago


Any time a dude says they're into "Asian women" (as if that's a monolith), I'm immediately wary; way too much fetishizing there.

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u/SleepRecording 18d ago

I am… so sorry he said that. 🫠

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u/RoseAmongstThornes 18d ago

She's probably thinking that if you meet someone a lot like her but with those physical features then you'll want to be with them rather than her. Unfortunately, I have zero advice.

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u/SimplySignifier 18d ago

Your GF shared a personality and style type, and you responded with a body type. That's the big difference, and the big fuck-up you made. It's not about how you need to somehow be dishonest with her or she too fragile or some such; it's that she was conversing about things that are fully within a person's ability to change (and which she likes already about you), and you responded with something she could never be (and shouldn't feel pressured to try to be).

Imagine your GF had stated her type is a guy who's got a different body shape, coloring, height than you--opposite of you, really. Wouldn't that feel a lot different to you than what she did say? Don't you see the difference?


u/BatScribeofDoom 18d ago

You nailed it. The individual's level of control over the traits listed is gonna affect their reaction to you saying that you prefer those things.

If most--or, god forbid, all--of the characteristics that you list aren't things that the person can realistically change, the potential for hurt is so much greater because it feels like you're implying "Not only are you not what I really want, but you're also never going to be."

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u/RED_wards 18d ago

Sounds to me like you need a fully honest and fully apologetic conversation. Maybe something that sounds like...

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I remember that conversation we had that one time... That wasn't meant to be serious but I see that this is very serious and I'm taking you seriously. It's taken too long to see I hurt you and I want to start making restorations. I love you beyond the moon & the stars, you are beautiful, wonderful, and sexy. You deserve to feel like a billion dollars every day, and I want to be the one to make you feel that way."

Here's the key part.... over the next several days & weeks, do some things that make her feel like a billion dollars. If you've heard of the "five love languages" it's rather cliché nowadays but it works. If her love language is words of affirmation, write some love notes and hide it for her to find. If it's gifts, it doesn't have to be expensive but it has to show that you put time & thought into it. Etc, etc. You can read more about the love languages for the googling.

Hope that helps! --an old married guy


u/lllldddd01 18d ago

Yep op repeat this guys exact words verbatim while reading from your phone


u/chembobby 18d ago

I would most definitely hate it if my boyfriend all of a sudden went from no compliments to over-the-top cheesy. It makes me cringe inside and I’d feel like it was all totally insincere. Don’t go over the top “over the next few days.”

Just be you and if the topic comes up or feels like it’s lingering on the edge, just tell her how much you love her. Don’t complement her appearance toooooo much or too strongly, or else it will feel like pandering.

That’s just one woman’s opinion though!


u/RED_wards 18d ago

That's a fair addendum... it has to be genuine!

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u/submissiv3nbreedable 18d ago

As someone who has been that girlfriend before, and also is similar to the description of your girlfriend. I can 99% guarantee it only hurt her because you hit every single one of her insecurities.

Every tall girl wishes she was shorter, because they always get picked. Every toned muscular girl has moments where she feels like men just aren’t attracted to that. Every brunette thinks blondes girls look softer and cuter. Etc.

And then sometimes, girls like us are the ones who get picked. And so we let the insecurities go for a minute. And as soon as they get reaffirmed, you think about it, every day. And it picks and picks.

Ultimately you did nothing wrong, said nothing wrong. But she really just needs validation that you love everything about her looks and maybe you used to prefer other things, but now theres nothing youd want more than her


u/Lington 18d ago

The thing that would've hit me the most is being flat chested and being told he likes busty women. That would really get to me.

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u/g00ber88 18d ago

Yeah when pretty much everything you've seen your whole life has reinforced the fact that women with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and big boobs are the "ideal", it hurts to have your partner essentially affirm that. You can't really help what your "type" is, but come on, OP should have known that wouldn't go over well.


u/wienour 18d ago edited 11d ago

dependent thumb rob boat wild ugly many ripe subsequent vase this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev


u/Noxiya 18d ago

My husband is around your height, and he is a stocky dude. He is shorter than the other men in his family, and it was a sore spot for him when he was younger. He also has a bit of a belly, and I tell him all the time how gorgeous he is. I deeply love him, and make sure to tell him daily. I compliment his eyes, his gorgeous lashes, all sorts of different things about him that he may not feel good about that day.

I really do wish more people would sincerely compliment and affirm their partners 🫂

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u/CorrectAdvantage5654 18d ago

You told her all that while looking straight into her face and knowing she doesnt look anything like that. I’d be mad at you too not because you have a type but because you lack basic decency and awareness. It only took you until she pointed out for you to figure out what you said made her feel bad.


u/PinkRasberryFish 18d ago

Yeah I’d leave OP not because I’m not his type but because he’s a fucking buffoon.

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u/natillasdevainilla 18d ago

Some people is telling you to never be honest, or to never share you type. I have to disagree. What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is. You don’t tell small and busty. Those are not changing naturally and can be quite hurtful. Instead you say something among the lines of “I’ve come to realize I usually like secure girls, who know how to stand up for themselves and are crazy smart” (This is just an example but you know what I mean). If they push further into physical appearance just say something you like they have, but don’t lie.

Which is, btw, what she did.

Instead, just learn from this and reassure her a lot, she is gonna need it.


u/SplendidlyDull 18d ago

This is good advice! But not for me… I like pathetic men. I don’t think saying that will make them feel good lmao


u/Gathorall 18d ago

Well, no, but anyway, what are you doing on friday?


u/DrainianDream 18d ago

“A man who is comfortable being vulnerable and is unafraid of showing his emotions around other people”

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u/Bell-01 18d ago

Well, some are into that lmao

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u/showcase25 18d ago

What you need to tell is what your personality’s type is.

If personality was the default aspects when thought of when asked about type, there would be a difference.

But it is nearly always about physical traits.

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u/According-Ad-6948 18d ago

Why the fuck would you tell her that???

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u/Poinsettia917 18d ago

This is something I’ve wanted to know for years. How and why did you choose a woman who isn’t your type? If you can explain it to me, I bet you can explain it to her. That might really reassure her. If I were your girlfriend, I would be wondering if you were just settling for me, or if I were a placeholder until you found your hot blonde.

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u/ToxicBTCMaximalist 18d ago

Honestly is not the best policy, thinking carefully before saying anything is the best policy.

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u/AgentWD409 18d ago

My wife told me that she always had a type until we met. She tended to gravitate toward (and thought she'd end up with) some kind of tractor-driving country boy. And then there's me... I'm not remotely "country." I have zero interest in hunting or fishing, I don't drive a truck, I have no experience with horses or cattle, etc. I'm a city boy who likes medieval literature, classic rock, Superman, cheeseball action movies, and Broadway musicals. And yet, we just immediately clicked. Now she says that I'm "everything she didn't know she needed."

I guess my point is that having a "type" doesn't always mean that much. Sometimes the right person for you may be someone you didn't really expect.

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u/Alcoraiden 18d ago edited 18d ago

There is no circumstances where telling someone she's not your type but you like her anyway is going to get a good response. "Yeah, I like skinny blondes, it's fine that you're fat with brown hair" is tone-deaf. She's going to spend every single moment of being naked around you wondering if her boobs are right, if you actually think she's hot, if she looks too much like a dude, whatever.

Once bitten, twice shy. You're fucked.


u/phdoofus 18d ago

" I certainly never described that as my ideal and I think she’s the sexiest creature to ever walk this planet, "

But that's not what you said to her and that's not what she heard.


u/MFSkunk17 18d ago

There are really only two possibilities with what you said: you couldn't land someone your type so you settled or you found someone so special and gorgeous outside your type that you had to have her. She thinks the first, you feel the second.

You could say something along the lines of "yeah maybe I have a type, but someone would have to be really special for me to stray from it. It's not like I'm desperate."

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u/_dharwin 18d ago

"When you asked me about my type, I just described generally people I thought were attractive in the past. That's not the only thing I find attractive or even the type I find most attractive. If you want to know what type I find most attractive, the answer is you and only you.

I'm attracted to you, the gym you, the you that I've been dating for X months. I'm attracted to the entire you, obviously your looks, but also who you are as a person."

Also at some point she might want to consider therapy for her insecurity and potential body issues. But that's a whole other conversation on a very different day

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u/Tirtelle 18d ago

There’s a lot of societal pressure for women who are less feminine looking, especially when so much emphasis is placed on being curvy and petite. As a woman who is similarly outside that ‘ideal,’ I can also say that it’s so pervasive that sometimes you don’t even know how heavily it weighs on you until an offhand comment punches you in the gut.

For me? I’d want my partner to take some time to apologize for hurting me (with no rationalizations or excuses, just recognizing that it was harmful and that my feelings are valid) and explicitly tell me all the things he finds attractive about me (not just physically, but including some of that as well). Depending on her reaction you could even try explaining what she has/can do that you find attractive/you like about your relationship that the ‘type’ you described doesn’t/can’t. Maybe do this during a long date night, where neither of us had any other obligations, or in a letter if that’s more your style.

If we had previously been going to a gym together, I’d probably like for my partner to say he missed me working out with him, and to invite me to work out at a time (or location) where the probability of other girls being around was low, so I could focus on our gym time and not on who else was around. I’d want my partner to specifically tell me that he thought my muscles/athletic ability was attractive and that he liked seeing me push myself at the gym (or similar, adjusted for his truth). (I wouldn’t want my partner pointing out that I’d lost muscle mass, because that could feed into feeling inadequate, and like nothing I do will make me attractive enough!)

And after that apology and trying to accommodate my insecurities with respect to activities I still might want to do with my partner, I’d need a lot of smaller confidence boosts, like compliments that specifically point out something my partner found attractive (specific like “I love how long your legs look in those jeans” vs “Damn, you’re hot”—the second one still feels good, but the first tells me my partner has specific things he’s looking at on me and finds attractive, AND includes a bonus in that it reinforces that he likes something in my build that his alleged ‘type’ doesn’t have). Another thing my partner does that works well for me is we’ll shop for clothes together, and he’ll sometimes buy me something he picked for me to try on because he likes the way it highlights a particular attribute of my figure he likes.

It’d take time, a thorough apology, and a lot of encouragement and support to help her rebuild that confidence. It may or may not shake out, but that’s what I’d recommend you try. Good luck OP


u/rattlestaway 18d ago

Yeah reminds me of my ex whos type was the same as yours, then he cheated on me. Tho it wasnt with a blonde. Completely did trigger my anxiety tho

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u/Odd_Chemist_6511 18d ago

That's gonna sting for years. I've lost 100 lbs since my partner told me he wasn't attracted to me over 7 years ago, and I still feel the hurt whenever the doubt creeps in. I'm pretty sure my partner also feels insecurities when he thinks about my preference for females.

Honestly, just do your best to reassure her that's she's more than her body, and you value things above that. Also, specific compliments about things related to her will help, but it'll take a long time.

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u/yayyii 18d ago

Other than trying to give her reassurance you can stop checking out other women in front of your girlfriend.

You might think you only give "glances" but it was enough for her to stop going to the gym with you because of it. It's pretty much a real time reminder that she's not your type.

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u/AlaskanPuppyMom 18d ago

Well, at least you know how to answer this in your next relationship. The answer is always, "You. You and only you are my type. I wouldn't change a thing."


u/fluctuationsAreGood1 18d ago

How can you possibly be that stupid. I'm speechless.

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u/Arnelmsm 18d ago

Dude you sound like you have very low emotional intelligence. I would suggest you start really thinking about how your girlfriend is feeling at the moment. You sound oblivious to her feelings even when she tries to bring it up to you.


u/goddessofwitches 18d ago

My dude I'm sorry to tell you this but what you said is now burned into her brain. Elephants have long memories but women never forget shit like that. Ever.

My sweet husband, while we were dating made the mistake of telling me a joke about female anatomy and a certain smell. 🙃 I'm a women's health RN and extremely meticulous about my female body care. I'm very aware what women's bodies smell like at different times. However this "smell" denotes an infection. The joke fell flat, and I honestly ripped him a new one that moment. This man LOVES to give, if you catch my drift. Ever since that statement/joke, it's now burned into my brain. I am hyper conscious of my body and wont let him near my lower half unless im freshly bathed. He wasn't even joking about me, just goofing on something he saw on IG. I chose to overlook his shortcomings LOL but damn if I'll keep that in my brain to my grave.

You have this same situation on your hands. She's not gonna forget, least not easily. You're gonna have to overpower that thought with LOTS of reassuring.

May the odds be ever in your favor my dude.

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